Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 11

It would be extremely remiss of me to be grateful today for anything EXCEPT  our veterans and soldiers. These are people who, often at a very young age, make an extreme sacrifice for their country and the people who make this country up. Today is Veteran's Day.... and it is a day to remember: To remember those who have lost their lives fighting for our country, to remember those who have had their lives changed irrevocably by a war that they understand far more than we who sit home, to remember the sacrifices that they have made.
It is a day late now.... though I started this on the 11th children being what they are and life as a mother being what it is: I was torn away. I have that option... I have the option of putting things off for a day... Our soldiers do not.... when they are called to arms it doesn't matter that they have children at home or a new baby on the way. When they are deployed no one checks to make sure that it fits with their long term plans. Weddings are moved up or put on hold... babies are met for the first time through Skype. We see the heartfelt reunions that make the whole world tear up with happiness and the world right, but it is rare to see the tearful goodbyes... where a soldier goes off and that soldier's family has days before word and months before hugging and holding that soldier again. Today soldiers are men AND women, Husband AND wives, Fathers AND mothers. These individuals pick up and off they go at a word.
My own brother has been overseas three times; twice to Afghanistan and once to Iraq. He missed three of his daughter's first four birthdays. He missed watching her first steps and he missed Christmases with her. This is the personal sacrifice that he made because our country called.
Others have made what seems like even larger sacrifices. There are soldiers who have sacrificed one limb, two limbs... some have sacrificed their lives. There are spouses who watch every news report on pins and needles... there are children who have said goodbye to a parent with no real certainty that it isn't forever. Our soldiers come back with PTSD and have a hard time fitting back into their family lives, their social lives, civilization. These men and women spend weeks or months jumping at every loud sound, or losing themselves in flashbacks. Some of these folks will never be the same again. These sacrifices are the norm... this is what it means to be a soldier. And we at home owe a great debt of gratitude for that. I am SO very grateful for the sacrifices that have been made by the men and women who wear the uniform of our country's armed services. I am posting a picture of my favorite veteran.... though I am grateful for every single one!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- day 10

Today I am on a high. It is a high I get every Sunday, and it comes from meeting with like-minded people and sharing time and eating a meal together. It comes from hearing an uplifting message and tuning in to the Spirit inside.
Today I voice my gratefulness for my church home.... and my church family! I love going to church. I love bringing my children to spend time with these folks and I know that they are safe. I know that we are cared for. More than I even could have imagined. It was proven to me in a way that could never be doubted in August. My husband Dave cut his arm in August. He cut through nerves, tendons, and even an artery. The cut required surgery to repair and the prognosis for his hand does not include full recovery. For a family whose sole support is the income that Dave brings into our house, this caused a bit of a scare. How the heck would we support ourselves. Well the Sunday after Dave's surgery I went to church... and I was greeted by concern from every member of our congregation. But more than that I was met with an envelope of cash that was handed to me that had been donated by our congregation in a collection that was taken up before I got there. How could my heart do anything but SOAR when this loving care is evidenced so entirely to me by their actions.
I have seen friends get my children plates of food, cut the food that is on their plates, and hold chairs to ensure that my little climber didn't kill herself. My girls ask me all week long if it is "Church Day" yet... and on the way home today Ashlynn said " I wish we could have church twice a week." A six year old who wants to be there twice a week: Why? Simply put, it is the love that flows so freely from one person to another there. We live in the flow of Spirit and we share it joyously.
I am so grateful to have the community that this church offers to me. I look forward to seeing these people every single week. I love to share a love for Spirit and the great works that come from a concentrated faith of like minded people. I am so blessed to have been drawn to this place... my spiritual home. I am so happy when I am there... and I am buoyed by that happiness through the week. I started my Etsy store and this blog when I have ducked my head for years because of the courage that I have gained through this church... and the belonging that I feel when I am there. I have learned that in order for me to grow I have to stretch Body, Mind, and Spirit.... and that sometimes spiritual stretching can mean jumping into that unknown and letting Spirit catch you. So I jumped... and we will watch how it grows... and I will live in the flow of Spirit... and I will learn great things by doing so..... and I have a whole community of people to thank for that!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 9

Where would I be without friends..... They make life so much better. Whether it is laughing about old memories or laughing as we make NEW memories.... friends make life so much better. I am lucky because I can call most of my family friends. In this world of dysfunctional families that isn't something a lot of people can do. But there is also something to be said for friends who are NOT actually blood.. people who you invite into your life by CHOICE because you love having them there.
I am not a good friend for a lot of people. It isn't that I don't WANT to be. I have really good intentions. But more it is that I have parts of my personality that get in the WAY of me being a really good friend for most people. I have anxiety in large groups and it pulls me into myself. It takes a lot of energy for me to be social... energy that I don't have a lot of the time. This anxiety and energy issue even relates to family gatherings. This is something even my oldest younger brother, who is extroverted, does not understand. He gets frustrated with me at times. But it is just SO much easier for me to visit with a people one or two at a time. So Facebook and social networks tend to be my "friend" outlet. And most of the people who are my friends on there never have to deal with me. There are a few people however, who ARE actively a part of my life... and they deal with the long periods of time when I do not socialize... those people are able to pick up friendship again like we never had a distance or a time. They also know that chatting on Facebook or an e-mail that is shared is cherished communication... and we stay in touch that way when we can't see each other.
I could name every one by name.... THAT is how FEW my real life friends are. Some I haven't seen for a year.... but when we do see each other it like there was no time and space between visits. And there is little reason for me to list these friends by name ( and who wants the pressure of perhaps forgetting one) because they KNOW who they are. They know that I love them... they know that when we are together I am eager to plan another visit. They also know that life gets busy and I get forgetful and time passes. I am blessed by friends who remember to invite ME rather than wait for me to invite... because I don't often remember and I am usually a little worried about imposing. I am blessed by people who brush my worry aside and invite my family.... because they know that as the mom of young children I am rarely able to get away without the kids. I am so blessed to have friends who when we do get together we don't dwell on how long it has been... but instead how much fun we can have RIGHT then. I am so grateful for those people.
I have a lot of people who I owe an apology to... because they have tried to be my friend.... but don't perhaps understand the weirdness that is me. They don't understand that as an introvert I don't really need to do big festivals or parties. They don't fully understand that in some ways I might even lack the skills to be able to meet a person halfway. It is always sad to see a friendship end... and I have had what could be close friends slip into that space of being in the outer space of acquaintance, because of my own personality quirks. I wish I came with a warning label, because I fear sometimes that it has caused hurt for others.
 It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my own personality and to recognize that it is okay.... and before I tried really hard to FORCE it, but who wants to be continually exhausted by trying to be someone she isn't? This is why I am so very grateful for the few friends I have... the people who understand and accept this hermit nature of mine.... who are there when I poke my head out of my hobbit hole and say... AWESOME your out Want to go for a walk... How about some sledding? I can count my close friends ( who aren't married to me or connected by blood) on ONE HAND, and that is NOT an exaggeration. I NEED it to be that way, and I am so very grateful to those who have stuck by me. I love you!!!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day Eight

It gets hard to decide which thankful I want to count as you get out into it... Should I do... this or that?... Will people read into which order I put it? I hope not. There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for... order is insignificant in the grand scheme of it all. In all honesty though I am an amazingly blessed woman! I have so many blessings to count.
Today though I am going to count my brothers.... because man what would my life be without them. Shawn is 2.5 years younger than I am... and Brenden is 8.5 years younger than I am. So while they haven't been there my ENTIRE life... pretty close. My first memory that I can absolutely pinpoint a date to.... is the day that my Dad and I picked out a little ducky toy to bring to Shawn on the day that he was born. From that point forward he was an active part of my life. And while as a child I didn't always count that as a blessing... as an adult I most certainly do.
Shawn was a mix of worst enemy best friend. In our childhood we could often be at war with each other... and then ten seconds later be thick as thieves. He shot me with a B.B. gun ... I shot him with an arrow... neither of us even try to pretend it was by accident any more. It might surprise you then to know that I once pulled a bully off of him with threats of beating the bully's ass myself... and that Shawn has gone to bat for me more times than I think I could count. There have been times in our lives where we had the same or at least a very similar circle of friends... and there have been times where I couldn't say that I KNOW but a few of his friends. When he was in Iraq and I was pregnant with Ashlynn. He called me nearly EVERY DAY! I am not kidding... I spoke with him several times a week without fail. I e-mailed him photos of our life and his daughter and her life nearly as frequently. Whether I was taking care of him while he was away.... or he was taking care of me through a difficult pregnancy where I was bedridden after having lost three babes.... who knows. We could say it was either, the fact is that I was so caught up in making sure HE had what HE needed that I wasn't as able to worry as I could have been. And when he got home my whole world brightened. He is my hero. I am so proud of him, and so grateful to be his sister.
Brenden and I have had a very different sort of relationship. Brenden is much younger... and I started babysitting for him before he was a full year old. I remember him as a baby and as a toddler. I remember tickling him and loving his laugh and smile when he was unable to walk. I remember his curls and his sweetness when he was the age of my children now. I know the sweetness and vulnerability of the child that he was.... and the amazing man that his IS. When we were younger I watched him during winter break, spring break, and summer break. But watching him is a misnomer... because we were constant companions, it was hardly a "babysitting job." Instead it was walks to the library where he would pick out TONS of books and then going home to read them all... sometimes in one sitting. It was walking to get ice cream, going to ride go-carts, hiking in the park. It was a whole lot more than just watching him. It was a friendship... it just happened to be between brother and sister... babysitter and kid. That friendship has continued into adulthood. It is rockier now... a great deal in part to the fact that I have had trouble transitioning to his being adult.... and because when he went through his teen rebellion.... well he rebelled against me more than he did my mom and dad. Weird but true.
Still when I went to the doctor's office for our last visit and found out that Rowan was gone.... it was my brother that had gone with me.... it was my brother who held me as I sobbed. It was Brenden who cried with me as he realized that my baby was gone.... and how it hurt me. When I have to go for a bit and my furry babies need cared for... it is my brother who I turn to. Not because he is the most convenient.... but because I know beyond a shadow of any doubt that he is the ONLY person on this earth who loves my Abby as much as I do.... and YES I mean ONLY! I know that he would do anything for my dogs. I know that he understands some of the glitches that a rescue dog has.
Brenden's heart is so pure and so amazing. His love for animals goes so deep as to be who he is. This man who for Christmas many years ago got me a new sweater... because he recognized that I always have ONE sweater... and that it is extremely important to me... that it becomes a part of me... and that I had lost my most recent one. It is this attention to detail that has him knowing things about the people he loves well enough to make sure they get the perfect gift. Brenden is one of my best friends... he is every thing a sister could ever ask for in a brother. I am so proud of the man he has become.... I cherish the memories of the sweet boy that he was. I love everything about this man.... and I call him brother with a great deal of pride. I am so very blessed to be his sister.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving-Day Seven

When counting the blessings in my life that I am grateful for.... it can be tough to determine order..... because I have SO many. Truth is that counting them person by person could manage to fill thirty days by itself. I would be HIGHLY remiss were I not to count some people though. Perhaps it is that I have a family that is so close... or maybe it is just that my family is filled with AWESOME people... but I have such an amazing number of people who are pure blessing just in my family. And that doesn't even count my church family... who I love so much.
Today though I am going to tell you about two people I am so VERY VERY  VERY grateful for.... my parents. My momma and my daddy are two of my favorite people in the entire world. I am so blessed by the parents that I have that I can hardly start to talk about it. My mom and dad have always put family first... and that has not stopped once their kids were grown and grandkids started. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without my parents. I don't even want to try it actually.
My parents firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. They are actively instrumental in the raising of my children. Often when we cannot afford boots or shoes my parents step in. This Friday my parents are taking my youngest for some Grandma and Grandpa alone time.... this will give me the amazing ability to have my oldest child all by herself. It is some of the best time spent on Earth.... time one on one with your child. Last month they took Ash while I took Taryn. We switch off like that and it makes everyone's day. The kids don't stop talking about it until the next time it happens.... and there is something new to report. What an amazing opportunity they offer to me by doing this. I know that Taryn will probably come home with new Shoes.... Ashlynn did last time. And there will be a small gift for Ashlynn because there always is.
My mother is my best girlfriend in the world. She is there for me without fail. She still is as protective of me as she was when I was little. We try to steal off for some Mommy/daughter time together every now and then. It is less frequent than it was before children came.... but more needed now. She and I love to spend hours at the fabric store. It was she that taught me how to knit... and she is teaching me  how to sew now. She has a life that is more busy than you can imagine. As a nurse for her day job, she also has taken on the role of minister for our church... and spends hours and hours working without pay for the church. She loves doing it though and is excited to watch as our church family grows.
I am always awed by my mother's generosity. She loves to give to the people that she loves.... whether it is her time, gifts that she has made or purchased, food, you name it she gives. She is always looking for an opportunity to share with those she loves. She taught me what it means to be a mother.... because she ALWAYS thinks of her kids first. She is truly the image of what a mother should be. I love her more than I can even express.... I have always known this. I have always known the love of my mother.... I have never in a million years doubted it. However it was not until I held my infant daughter that it hit me..... HOW MUCH she loves me. This woman would gladly give her life for me... for my children, for my husband. She loves us so completely.
My father is harder to peg. He is more private about his feelings. When you give him a gift his response is nearly always the same " huh.... thanks.... this is really cool." Only a few times have I ever seen a response that was more effusive than that. Once was when we kids got him tickets to see The Moody Blues.... But there are signs there. When I got him an eric clapton box set.... he got up right then and there to put on one of the CDs even though it was Christmas morning and he turned off the Christmas Carols for that. But that is how you have to read my dad.... if you are looking for huge displays of emotion... you are looking for it in the wrong person. It is the little things. when I was 17 I bought a car... it was a true beater with a heater... and one day my dad needed to borrow my car. He drove me to work and dropped me off. When he came to pick me up he had put all new tires on my car. He had noticed that the tires were bald... and he couldn't let it stand. THIS is how he says I love you.
A few weeks ago Daddy lost his brother. Since that day he has been actively looking for the hugs and saying "I love you" It is important for him right now to get those words out... to let it be known to his kids, his wife, his grandkids. We all knew it though. This is a man who had my grandmother make a Santa outfit so that he could be Santa for the kids in his life. He plays Santa at Gramps and Grans every year. He grows his beard and hair out so that he looks like Santa starting in the Fall of every year. He is THRILLED when kids poke their mommy and say " I think that's him" He has the biggest smile when there are kids nearby... and even though he pretends to hate cats they love him. My dad is one of the coolest people I have ever met.
I know every one thinks they have the best parents ever..... but I truly do. I love my mom and dad more than I could express in words. In fact it is moments like this... when I am trying to let you all know how much I love my parents, that words seem like useless tools. Still I am working hard to try to convey that love. I am so very grateful for my parents. I will be for the rest of my life. My parents have taught me the meaning of family... they have helped me to be able to create the family that I so longed for.... and they are helping me to raise my family. I couldn't say thank you enough to them if I said it every day all day. Still I have to try.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day Six

On this day I speak my gratitude of my best friend and partner. My husband Dave, the father of all of my children, and the person who stands beside me and behind me and covers my back. I am so grateful for this man... this partner. We "met" on a blind date... and have been together since. What we didn't know when we agreed to that date was that we had known each other as children. Dave and I as we look back on our life have had flybys and near misses our entire life. It makes a person wonder about fate or destiny. We met as children several times as he lived across the street from my best friend. We met as young adults as he is the cousin of my best friend's step brother and Dave lived with his cousin at a point. We met over and over and were just on the fringe of each other's worlds. When a mutual friend Ingrid suggested a blind date I figured what the Hell.... it couldn't hurt. When he called he asked me what I thought of the idea and I said " Well best case scenario I have a new friend and that is Awesome. Worst case scenario I don't like you at all and give you a fake number." He thought that was clever and still talks about it( though I was actually just being honest.) I suggested meeting in a place where I knew that I would have friends and introduced him immediately to my friends just in case he was a creep. We hit it off though... and that night before I left he asked me if he could kiss me.... that made an impression. I said yes and the rest is history.
Our relationship isn't perfect. We are working on it every day. Dave isn't perfect either..... though his willingness to work on our relationship makes him perfect for me. He loves me... this man. When we lost Aislynn he gave me his winter coat in January.... I couldn't leave the house without it. Even though he had a 1/2 mile walk from parking to his work he did it WITHOUT his winter coat because he left that coat with me. After Aidan I couldn't leave the house alone.... that man made sure I didn't have to. He or my mother was with me every time. When I was pregnant with Ashlynn and Taryn I was on modified bedrest. It was tough.... but we got through it. We have gotten through a lot.... together.
Dave has an ability to make me laugh in nearly every circumstance. He takes my serious and lightens it up. He makes every thing fun.... When we first lived together we would race up the stairs to our apartment.... he cheated every time. Because I was faster. When the kids have me at the end of my tether he makes it all a game.... and the job gets done. If he can't have some fun... it isn't worth doing. He NEVER worries. That drives me NUTS... because I worry a LOT. In the 12.5 years we have been a couple though...he has rubbed off on me and helped me to see how useless my worrying can be. He has helped to loosen me up some. I have helped to ground him a bit.
Life is never perfect.... but one thing that can help a great deal is being rich in love. With this man and the family we have made together I am never poor. Never! I am surrounded by love.... and the blessings that come with love. I am so grateful that he has similar priorities and that he works with me as a partner. I love him.... and I could never doubt that he loves me. He would lay his life down for me and his children. He still makes my heart go faster.... and he has been my safe place through many struggles. He supports me as I start this new venture of selling my wares... he loves me... he supports me.... he struggles next to me. Nothing in this world is perfect..... but this thing that we have is worth working on.... and he agrees with me. And I am so grateful for that. <3

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 5

Today I am going to tell you about a couple of young men.... who I cannot call my own, but that I love like my own. When I married Dave I was lucky enough to gain a family. Codie was 6 when Dave and I started dating and Keagan was VERY young. He was only 8 months old. I didn't meet them until a year after we had been dating.... so I was introduced to a 7 year old ( who wanted his dad and mom back together) and an 18 month old little boy who wanted nothing more than to snuggle.
Life was easier for Keagan and I. We clicked immediately and he became the best buddy I have ever had in the world. I rocked him to sleep and snuggled him. I picked him up and dusted his pants when he fell, I held him when he cried and we became fast friends. This kid owned my heart... from the beginning! He called me Lissa... with a lisp that sounded like Wissa.... and he held my hand and walked with me everywhere. This kid was a child of my heart from the second he put his hand in mine. He was curious and generous, he was active and amazing! Following him kept me on my toes... and watching him experience new things made them new for me again. I came up with fun things to do just so I could watch him doing it. I loved watching him grow and learn.
Keagan has grown up to be an amazing young man. We watched him playing football this season and we were so proud of him as he helped to bring his team to a championship. Meanwhile he kept good grades. When he comes over to our house he is amazing with his sisters and having him here makes us all feel whole! Keagan is a young man I am so very very grateful is in my life. I love this kid so  much. The love for him changed my life.
Codie and I had a much harder go of it. Some days we seemed like we were on the same page, and some days it was trench warfare. There was no rhyme or reason for it that I could tell. Sometimes he would come over and we would have SO much fun. Sometimes from the minute he came over he wanted to hate me. But there is a sweetness in Codie, a sincerity that touches your heart because it leaves him vulnerable. On my birthday one time when his dad kissed me after singing "happy birthday" and said " I love you." to me Codie said snidely " Yeah you used to say that to MY MOM too!" it left us all a little bit awkward... but that same kid less than a year later on Mother's Day got together with his Dad and said that they needed to plan something for Mother's Day for me, "because she is going to be our stepmother!" ( Dave and I were engaged at the time.) Our life together was filled with those kinds of conflicting emotions. He was confused as to how he should behave with me, how he should feel for me... so many things at war inside of him. And we only were ever able to see what he SHOWED us. My heart bled for the kid. It still does bleed for that child in him that never seemed to be able to figure out WHAT he should do with me. love me hate me.... and maybe somehow it was BOTH of those things in a jumble inside. Still he had found a person in me that was honest..... and he often came to me with questions and knew he would get answers to the best of my ability.
Codie STILL has that wonderful sincerity.... and it mixes with ( a self proclaimed) darkness. Codie still has that vulnerability that he tries so hard to hide. He has a sweetness in him.... that he almost seems to reject. He still has that jumble of emotions that leave him confused at times. He still is one of the sweetest people I have ever met! He reminds me of his father in that way. He is amazing with his sisters. He is 18 and that is a hard age to be. It is filled with conflicting messages... and emotions. The world yells " You are a GROWN UP!" When you look for help and screams " GROW UP" when you make mistakes. It is a topsy turvy world and you feel all alone in it. The hormones and emotions make you feel like your world is about to be pulled apart... and 1/2 the people in your life either forget what it was like to be that age or they figure that it is trial by fire... and a coming of age ritual. It still isn't an easy life for him right now.... and I still don't know exactly how to help him.
Being a step parent is a precarious position. I have the position of parent in my home.... but I am NOT... I cannot take the place of their mother... EVER. And I wouldn't want to. Having my own children has firmed up that protectiveness that would have me scratching out someone's eyes if they thought they could take MY children from me. So a step parent has to balance being a parent but not being a parent all while hopefully maintaining a friendship with the children... and the actual parent. It only took me a couple of visits with those sweet boys to know that I wanted to be as perfect a stepmom as I could manage. They deserve that. I am standing here today to say that I have screwed it up in numerous ways on many occasions. One thing I will say with absolute certainty though, is that I am for these boys in my life. I am  blessed by our Codeman and our Keaganator. I have two little boys, two young men... two AMAZING men... who while not born of my body hold a place dear in my heart and are counted among my children. And I am so very grateful for them both!