Thirty Days of Thanksgiving-Day Seven

When counting the blessings in my life that I am grateful for.... it can be tough to determine order..... because I have SO many. Truth is that counting them person by person could manage to fill thirty days by itself. I would be HIGHLY remiss were I not to count some people though. Perhaps it is that I have a family that is so close... or maybe it is just that my family is filled with AWESOME people... but I have such an amazing number of people who are pure blessing just in my family. And that doesn't even count my church family... who I love so much.
Today though I am going to tell you about two people I am so VERY VERY  VERY grateful for.... my parents. My momma and my daddy are two of my favorite people in the entire world. I am so blessed by the parents that I have that I can hardly start to talk about it. My mom and dad have always put family first... and that has not stopped once their kids were grown and grandkids started. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without my parents. I don't even want to try it actually.
My parents firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. They are actively instrumental in the raising of my children. Often when we cannot afford boots or shoes my parents step in. This Friday my parents are taking my youngest for some Grandma and Grandpa alone time.... this will give me the amazing ability to have my oldest child all by herself. It is some of the best time spent on Earth.... time one on one with your child. Last month they took Ash while I took Taryn. We switch off like that and it makes everyone's day. The kids don't stop talking about it until the next time it happens.... and there is something new to report. What an amazing opportunity they offer to me by doing this. I know that Taryn will probably come home with new Shoes.... Ashlynn did last time. And there will be a small gift for Ashlynn because there always is.
My mother is my best girlfriend in the world. She is there for me without fail. She still is as protective of me as she was when I was little. We try to steal off for some Mommy/daughter time together every now and then. It is less frequent than it was before children came.... but more needed now. She and I love to spend hours at the fabric store. It was she that taught me how to knit... and she is teaching me  how to sew now. She has a life that is more busy than you can imagine. As a nurse for her day job, she also has taken on the role of minister for our church... and spends hours and hours working without pay for the church. She loves doing it though and is excited to watch as our church family grows.
I am always awed by my mother's generosity. She loves to give to the people that she loves.... whether it is her time, gifts that she has made or purchased, food, you name it she gives. She is always looking for an opportunity to share with those she loves. She taught me what it means to be a mother.... because she ALWAYS thinks of her kids first. She is truly the image of what a mother should be. I love her more than I can even express.... I have always known this. I have always known the love of my mother.... I have never in a million years doubted it. However it was not until I held my infant daughter that it hit me..... HOW MUCH she loves me. This woman would gladly give her life for me... for my children, for my husband. She loves us so completely.
My father is harder to peg. He is more private about his feelings. When you give him a gift his response is nearly always the same " huh.... thanks.... this is really cool." Only a few times have I ever seen a response that was more effusive than that. Once was when we kids got him tickets to see The Moody Blues.... But there are signs there. When I got him an eric clapton box set.... he got up right then and there to put on one of the CDs even though it was Christmas morning and he turned off the Christmas Carols for that. But that is how you have to read my dad.... if you are looking for huge displays of emotion... you are looking for it in the wrong person. It is the little things. when I was 17 I bought a car... it was a true beater with a heater... and one day my dad needed to borrow my car. He drove me to work and dropped me off. When he came to pick me up he had put all new tires on my car. He had noticed that the tires were bald... and he couldn't let it stand. THIS is how he says I love you.
A few weeks ago Daddy lost his brother. Since that day he has been actively looking for the hugs and saying "I love you" It is important for him right now to get those words out... to let it be known to his kids, his wife, his grandkids. We all knew it though. This is a man who had my grandmother make a Santa outfit so that he could be Santa for the kids in his life. He plays Santa at Gramps and Grans every year. He grows his beard and hair out so that he looks like Santa starting in the Fall of every year. He is THRILLED when kids poke their mommy and say " I think that's him" He has the biggest smile when there are kids nearby... and even though he pretends to hate cats they love him. My dad is one of the coolest people I have ever met.
I know every one thinks they have the best parents ever..... but I truly do. I love my mom and dad more than I could express in words. In fact it is moments like this... when I am trying to let you all know how much I love my parents, that words seem like useless tools. Still I am working hard to try to convey that love. I am so very grateful for my parents. I will be for the rest of my life. My parents have taught me the meaning of family... they have helped me to be able to create the family that I so longed for.... and they are helping me to raise my family. I couldn't say thank you enough to them if I said it every day all day. Still I have to try.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day Six

On this day I speak my gratitude of my best friend and partner. My husband Dave, the father of all of my children, and the person who stands beside me and behind me and covers my back. I am so grateful for this man... this partner. We "met" on a blind date... and have been together since. What we didn't know when we agreed to that date was that we had known each other as children. Dave and I as we look back on our life have had flybys and near misses our entire life. It makes a person wonder about fate or destiny. We met as children several times as he lived across the street from my best friend. We met as young adults as he is the cousin of my best friend's step brother and Dave lived with his cousin at a point. We met over and over and were just on the fringe of each other's worlds. When a mutual friend Ingrid suggested a blind date I figured what the Hell.... it couldn't hurt. When he called he asked me what I thought of the idea and I said " Well best case scenario I have a new friend and that is Awesome. Worst case scenario I don't like you at all and give you a fake number." He thought that was clever and still talks about it( though I was actually just being honest.) I suggested meeting in a place where I knew that I would have friends and introduced him immediately to my friends just in case he was a creep. We hit it off though... and that night before I left he asked me if he could kiss me.... that made an impression. I said yes and the rest is history.
Our relationship isn't perfect. We are working on it every day. Dave isn't perfect either..... though his willingness to work on our relationship makes him perfect for me. He loves me... this man. When we lost Aislynn he gave me his winter coat in January.... I couldn't leave the house without it. Even though he had a 1/2 mile walk from parking to his work he did it WITHOUT his winter coat because he left that coat with me. After Aidan I couldn't leave the house alone.... that man made sure I didn't have to. He or my mother was with me every time. When I was pregnant with Ashlynn and Taryn I was on modified bedrest. It was tough.... but we got through it. We have gotten through a lot.... together.
Dave has an ability to make me laugh in nearly every circumstance. He takes my serious and lightens it up. He makes every thing fun.... When we first lived together we would race up the stairs to our apartment.... he cheated every time. Because I was faster. When the kids have me at the end of my tether he makes it all a game.... and the job gets done. If he can't have some fun... it isn't worth doing. He NEVER worries. That drives me NUTS... because I worry a LOT. In the 12.5 years we have been a couple though...he has rubbed off on me and helped me to see how useless my worrying can be. He has helped to loosen me up some. I have helped to ground him a bit.
Life is never perfect.... but one thing that can help a great deal is being rich in love. With this man and the family we have made together I am never poor. Never! I am surrounded by love.... and the blessings that come with love. I am so grateful that he has similar priorities and that he works with me as a partner. I love him.... and I could never doubt that he loves me. He would lay his life down for me and his children. He still makes my heart go faster.... and he has been my safe place through many struggles. He supports me as I start this new venture of selling my wares... he loves me... he supports me.... he struggles next to me. Nothing in this world is perfect..... but this thing that we have is worth working on.... and he agrees with me. And I am so grateful for that. <3

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 5

Today I am going to tell you about a couple of young men.... who I cannot call my own, but that I love like my own. When I married Dave I was lucky enough to gain a family. Codie was 6 when Dave and I started dating and Keagan was VERY young. He was only 8 months old. I didn't meet them until a year after we had been dating.... so I was introduced to a 7 year old ( who wanted his dad and mom back together) and an 18 month old little boy who wanted nothing more than to snuggle.
Life was easier for Keagan and I. We clicked immediately and he became the best buddy I have ever had in the world. I rocked him to sleep and snuggled him. I picked him up and dusted his pants when he fell, I held him when he cried and we became fast friends. This kid owned my heart... from the beginning! He called me Lissa... with a lisp that sounded like Wissa.... and he held my hand and walked with me everywhere. This kid was a child of my heart from the second he put his hand in mine. He was curious and generous, he was active and amazing! Following him kept me on my toes... and watching him experience new things made them new for me again. I came up with fun things to do just so I could watch him doing it. I loved watching him grow and learn.
Keagan has grown up to be an amazing young man. We watched him playing football this season and we were so proud of him as he helped to bring his team to a championship. Meanwhile he kept good grades. When he comes over to our house he is amazing with his sisters and having him here makes us all feel whole! Keagan is a young man I am so very very grateful is in my life. I love this kid so  much. The love for him changed my life.
Codie and I had a much harder go of it. Some days we seemed like we were on the same page, and some days it was trench warfare. There was no rhyme or reason for it that I could tell. Sometimes he would come over and we would have SO much fun. Sometimes from the minute he came over he wanted to hate me. But there is a sweetness in Codie, a sincerity that touches your heart because it leaves him vulnerable. On my birthday one time when his dad kissed me after singing "happy birthday" and said " I love you." to me Codie said snidely " Yeah you used to say that to MY MOM too!" it left us all a little bit awkward... but that same kid less than a year later on Mother's Day got together with his Dad and said that they needed to plan something for Mother's Day for me, "because she is going to be our stepmother!" ( Dave and I were engaged at the time.) Our life together was filled with those kinds of conflicting emotions. He was confused as to how he should behave with me, how he should feel for me... so many things at war inside of him. And we only were ever able to see what he SHOWED us. My heart bled for the kid. It still does bleed for that child in him that never seemed to be able to figure out WHAT he should do with me. love me hate me.... and maybe somehow it was BOTH of those things in a jumble inside. Still he had found a person in me that was honest..... and he often came to me with questions and knew he would get answers to the best of my ability.
Codie STILL has that wonderful sincerity.... and it mixes with ( a self proclaimed) darkness. Codie still has that vulnerability that he tries so hard to hide. He has a sweetness in him.... that he almost seems to reject. He still has that jumble of emotions that leave him confused at times. He still is one of the sweetest people I have ever met! He reminds me of his father in that way. He is amazing with his sisters. He is 18 and that is a hard age to be. It is filled with conflicting messages... and emotions. The world yells " You are a GROWN UP!" When you look for help and screams " GROW UP" when you make mistakes. It is a topsy turvy world and you feel all alone in it. The hormones and emotions make you feel like your world is about to be pulled apart... and 1/2 the people in your life either forget what it was like to be that age or they figure that it is trial by fire... and a coming of age ritual. It still isn't an easy life for him right now.... and I still don't know exactly how to help him.
Being a step parent is a precarious position. I have the position of parent in my home.... but I am NOT... I cannot take the place of their mother... EVER. And I wouldn't want to. Having my own children has firmed up that protectiveness that would have me scratching out someone's eyes if they thought they could take MY children from me. So a step parent has to balance being a parent but not being a parent all while hopefully maintaining a friendship with the children... and the actual parent. It only took me a couple of visits with those sweet boys to know that I wanted to be as perfect a stepmom as I could manage. They deserve that. I am standing here today to say that I have screwed it up in numerous ways on many occasions. One thing I will say with absolute certainty though, is that I am for these boys in my life. I am  blessed by our Codeman and our Keaganator. I have two little boys, two young men... two AMAZING men... who while not born of my body hold a place dear in my heart and are counted among my children. And I am so very grateful for them both!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day 4

Day four and I am so very very thankful for my Taryn-bo-Baryn. Let me just say that I am doing this in age order.... because I love all my children so very much. So much so.... that I have to do an individual page for each one. How could ONE post sort out the blessings that all my children offer? It can't. So you get to read a post per child. This one is Taryn and she is larger than life.
Taryn came into this world her way. She was (By Docs certainty and ultrasounds galore) 35 weeks 4 days. Which made her a preemie. They tried to stop my labor because they wanted her to cook a little longer. But Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, had other ideas. She was NOT going to be held back and after 24 hours of attempting to stop the labor.... the docs went with it. She came into this world already learning how to assert her will.... and she never has stopped yet. Because Taryn was born by C-section the hospital policy is that the babe sleeps in the nursery the first night and then can room in every night after that at mother's discretion. It was different for us. Why? Because Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, would not stop screaming unless she was held by me. In order to NOT fall asleep in the hospital bed with her in my arms, my first night walking the floor with Taryn was her first on earth. The nursery wouldn't keep her because... she was disturbing all of the other newborns... you know the ones who spent the first couple of weeks of their lives sleeping. The next night my nurse, realizing that I must be exhausted as I hadn't slept since having a C-section 36 hours ago, agreed to come in and check on us every 15 minutes and Taryn slept in the bed with me.
It was easier (for me) when Taryn came home.... because we co-sleep and she was a very happy baby... with me. But Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, did NOT want to be held by others. In fact we have endless pictures of the child screaming ( she never cried without screaming). My poor mother after being deafened one night decided it might be best if we waited for her to babysit until Taryn was older. My own husband was white knuckled and ready to blow when I tried a mommy's night out when she was a couple of months old. I nursed and she wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with a bottle.... EVER. And this was just when she was a NEWBORN. She has a way about her.
Taryn.... well she is strong minded... and I work HARD to foster that. Though I don't think she would let me do anything other than that. She is opinionated and she is driven and determined. When she wants it she WILL get her way. With everyone in the world except... her sissy. Her sister who she loves so much that she often will give way. With her sister who she shows so much generosity that it makes my heart sing. As she has gotten older she has added people to her favorites... it isn't just ME any more. Her Daddy and her Granny and her Gramps are some of her top people... and if you are one of her top people then you know. You know that her hugs and kisses are magic. She packs them with so much love and affection that I truly believe they can heal a heart. And she is so generous with those hugs and kisses. Taryn is one of the most loving individuals that I have ever met. I am such a lucky mommy... because she could and would sit and hug and kiss me all day long. I feel so fortunate to have this little huggy bear as my daughter.
Taryn is an artist.. no seriously she is... before she was 2 she was drawing cartoon characters from shows.... and we KNEW what she was drawing. That has only continued as she has gotten older. She loves art. She would draw all day. She loves to color and has been the child that has decorated my walls, my furniture, my garbage can.... she says that she " Hates white" and I have to watch her carefully because when she sees white.... she attempts to change its status. She loves pretty. She wants to do my hair and my nails and my make-up all the time. She told me this summer that she would no longer be wearing pants when we go places.... she will only wear skirts or dresses. Well as the weather is getting colder I have had to put my foot down... which has made her do the same.... which gets interesting. Her temper hasn't gotten smaller... but with her vocabulary getting better we have a better chance of coming to terms with things without temper tantrums. Still she talks loud and figures she should always get her way. Taryn is the poster child for why spanking doesn't work. I have had to come to terms with the fact that were I to be a parent who spanked I would have to entirely break my child because she would see it as a battle of wills. As I am NOT willing to do that.... I have to employ other tactics. Like Ashlynn, Taryn makes me a better person. She makes me want to be perfect. She makes me see where I need to work on it. My life is so much better for the children. I am so fortunate to spend my life with these amazing angels.
My Taryn keeps it colorful and exciting. She loves so deeply that it astounds me. She is sensitive to those she loves and WANTS to be helpful. She is my Soo-soo ( from her favorite book) she is my Tee-Tah... she is my heart. She is her sister's best friend... and her daddy's little snuggler. She is proud to be just like her "Nancy-grandma" She is my Sunshine... the light of my life. She shines that light as readily as she shares her thunderstorms. I see her face... and I know love all through my body. My sweet little teeter totter girl.
Taryn which is a combination of Tara ( which is the hill that the ancient rulers of Ireland ruled from)

 and Erin the name of the island.... and was the name that was chosen for Aidan should he have been a girl... Anne  of which Nancy is a diminutive ( so she IS named for her Nancy-grandma) meaning grace or favored by god. Put together they mean a ruler of our heritage with grace or that is favored by God...... and WOW does she live up to THAT name.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day Three

So on Day three let me tell you about one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Her name is Ashlynn Ka-Bashlynn and she is my world. She is the quirkiest, sweetest, most generous person I know. She is a remarkable problem solver who can look at a situation and fix it in her brain. She spends her days making a better mouse trap ( it actually worked), reading books ( she can read entire books with some help), and doing math because " it's fun." I am so very very thankful that I get to spend my time with this child. She brightens up a room with her smile and chatter... and make my life infinitely better because she is in it. Ashlynn can talk like nobody's business... in fact as I am typing this she is showing me how by taking apart a toy she is making a duck call and wants to go outside to see if it works. THIS is the beauty of my Ashlynn child.
Ashlynn has this sense of style that has had me shaking my head since she was two and started to have opinions about what to wear. I have tried to foster that ability to offer and trust her opinion, so even when I thought that things were a little crazy I have let her go... this has turned out to sometimes mean that I have gone out into the word with a girl in dress and sneakers or a princess dress. And I love it that unique ability to put things together that cause a question mark in my head and wear them with PRIDE and ATTITUDE enough to make it all work.
Her goofiness knows no bounds. She is nutty and zany and fun. She is friendly to everyone she sees... and often a trip to a park will have her telling me about a new friend, because as she has told me " strangers are just an opportunity to make new friends." This has her telling me STILL about the girl that she met two years ago at Playland..... she remembers her to this day and has only met the girl once. She has waitresses that remember her and cashiers that ask after her if she isn't with me. She draws pictures for people she hardly knows and offers them to make a day brighter for them.
She has such a way of looking at things. And when she explains it all... it makes sense. A couple of weeks ago I was grumbling because our funds are limited and I didn't want to have to spend what little we had one something or another and my little girl looks up at me and says " But that is what money is for mommy, to spend. It doesn't have any other purpose." And well.... huh... yup she is right. And that way of looking at things has me marveling all the time. She is so close to the Spirit and in her innocence has answers in ways I have forgotten to look.
I was afraid after Aislynn and Aidan that I would never be able to have a child. So when I held Ashlynn for the first time I was sure that all my dreams had been answered.... I didn't realize that all my dreams had just STARTED. I had been so focused on having a baby... that I didn't know what to do once I had. But Ashlynn  showed me quickly that every day is a new adventure, one that she is excited to meet. She helps me to be excited. She helps me to see the newness of the day and to celebrate it. I love her more than earth and air... I don't know what I would do without her..... but if you have ever met her you know that my life would be a lot quieter without her.
Ashlynn ( which is the anglicized version of her sister Aislynn's name) means "Dream or Vision" and her middle name Aoibheann means " Radiant beauty" ... and so aptly fit for her.  A dream or vision of Radiant beauty.... yes yes I believe that is the most fitting name she could have received.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day Two

For Day two of my Thirty Days of Thanksgiving... I am going to speak my gratefulness for Aidan Garrett Haynie. Aidan is my second child born live, and my only son. Aidan lived with us a very short time. His date of birth was his only day here on earth. Aidan was tiny and very very early, because of that it was made very clear by the doctors that he was too early to try to save. We knew when labor was unable to be stopped.... that we would not have him long. If at all.
Despite the odds ( doctors did not expect him to be born alive, and even warned me that he was so fragile the very act of being born could tear him apart) Aidan Garrett Haynie was born living and took breath. He was whole and perfect.... he was just very very small. The most miraculous thing about the life of Aidan Garrett.. is that he was held by someone who loved him for every single second of his life. That means a great deal to me as his mummy. He was HELD BY SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM.... for every single second of his life. There are not many who can say that. There are not many lives so filled with love. He snuggled into my chest and I held pure love for the short time that he was here.
Shortly after Aidan passed my mother had a dream. It was a dream where Aidan was thanking her for keeping him safe because during his transition from physical to angel he was vulnerable.... and in that vulnerable time we kept him safe and cared for him. As she told me this I knew the truth of it. I had been chosen to keep an angel safe as the angel was being born.... and I did that job well. I have never felt such love. It was as if the spirit of that child was too big for that body, and because of that filled the room. It was almost a physical presence: that love, that spirit. I am forever grateful for that opportunity to feel spirit so intensely.
Shortly after my baby passed my mother and I were talking and she told me that there would come a day when I would see my children (Aislynn and Aidan) as blessings. I was beside myself. HOW could she imagine that such a tragedy in my life could be a blessing. And yet. ... yes I have come to see my angels as blessings. So much so that often when people express their condolences I reply with " we have been so blessed." And we have. Yesterday I listed only 5 of the many many blessings that Aislynn has brought into my life, so if you will bear with me I would like to do so for Aidan. You see it was a fluke... an accident actually because my parents had brought my niece to the apple orchard that day, but there was a camera in the room.... and I have photos of me holding my baby. Not just ONE... but many photos of my sweet little boy. He was born at 21 weeks and most mommies with babies born at that age DO NOT have photos. I have his hand prints and his footprints and I have a blanket... but it is the photos that I go to the most. ( blessing one) Aidan Garrett showed me how intense a connection with Spirit can be. He hosted a spirit for a few short moments and filled a room with so much love I cannot forget the feeling of holding him. ( blessing two) Aidan offered me an opportunity to fulfill a greater purpose than I had ever imagined possible when I kept a spirit protected and safe as he was born into angel form. ( Blessing Three) Born alive and whole ( against the odds) he was able to be transferred into my arms and held his whole life with love and comfort.  ( blessing four) There are more. So many many more blessings that surrounded his birth. He offered me infinite opportunities to learn and grow, for which I am so very very grateful.
This little man was not a tragedy, though it may have felt that way at the start. No this little man existed for a reason... and I helped him through a transition. I am grateful that I had that opportunity and that I was able to share those blessed moments while he was on earth with him. I am so thankful for my little boy.

Thirty days of Thanksgiving - Day ONE

For two years running now I have used my statuses in Facebook in November to list Thirty things that I am grateful for. Each day dwelling on what I am grateful for. I do this for several reasons...
Firstly I have noticed when I am focused on what I am grateful for my life is infinitely more positive. This is because as the Law of Attraction states... Like attracts like. It is true. Take two days to try this experiment on day one go out and smile at every one you see. Catch their eyes and REALLY smile at them. At the end of the day take note of how many people smiled at you... and how your world seems brighter and life seems more exciting and amazing. You will feel so good that you won't WANT to do the second part.... which is the exact opposite. Go out into the world the next day with a scowl... don't meet anyone's eyes and don't smile... not even in response to someone smiling at you. Though take NOTE if someone DOES smile at you.... because there are going to be fewer smiles to count than on your first day. At the end of your day take stock of what your day was like.... were there more snafus  and problems? Did your day seem more of a chore and were you just wishing the day would be OVER already? Like attracts like. So if you CONSCIOUSLY decide to approach your day with that smiley grateful attitude it is far more likely your day is going to be wonderful. And I like wonderful days.
Secondly when I am counting my blessings or those things in my life that I am grateful for... it is EASIER for me to have that smiley and positive approach to life. There is no doubt that there are hardships in my life. Every person in the world has them. They are different for all of us.... but no one gets out without SOME hardships. If I am dead broke on one day and look at a rich person with envy.... then I may miss that this person doesn't have any one to SHARE it with. If I am grateful for what I have counting those blessings.... then I don't leave the room for ENVY in my heart. Envy is a negative emotion that can tear your happiness apart. So when there is that moment that you look at another with envy stop ... and look at YOURSELF with gratitude. It will change your world.
Thirdly I never ever ever want to take anything in my life for granted. I have learned some tough lessons about loss.... OR I have learned some valuable lessons about appreciation. I held my daughter for only a few short minutes before she passed to the spirit side of life.... But I held her ( Blessing number one), I have PICTURES of me holding her ( Blessing number two), I resolved that I would NEVER take my children for granted ( Blessing number three), I have an angel sitting on my shoulder whenever I think of her, who is DEEPLY connected to me ( Blessing number four), I learned that what you see in life is a matter of perspective and that perspective can change everything( Blessing number five). I could go on. I truly could. I have worked HARD as counting the blessings that are attached to my oldest daughter.... because if I DON'T count those blessings I can get sucked into the sadness of her not being here. Life is fleeting. You cannot hold on to any one moment for longer than that moment.
There are many many other reasons that I do this. Some of them important some of them not. What is important in this post is that I am saying THANK YOU. To the Spirit that has created this bounty in my life... to the people who are sharing it with me. To the Universe for all that the protons, neutrons, and electrons that make me up have created in my life. Because make no mistake... as a child of God.. and an integral part of the One True Source... I am the creator of my world. So yes I also thank myself for working to make this world what it is for me.
Today I am using my first day of Thanksgiving to speak my gratitude to the universe for My daughter Aislynn. For every lesson that I listed above and more. This amazing spirit who came into my life taught me more about hard decisions than anything in my life before or since. When Dave and I had to make the choice to take her off of life support I remember him tossing himself across my hospital bed and saying " What do we do now? What are we supposed to do?" I answered " We have a funeral." and then I called Silent Unity's prayer center and I asked for the lady on the other end to pray with me. She asked for specifics and I said " My three day old daughter is in the NICU. The doctors have said that there is nothing more that can be done for her. I have to go hold her and have the life support turned off. Please pray with me for the strength to do this, because I don't know how to do this." The lady on the other end burst into tears. She prayed with me... and then Dave and I walked down a hallway holding each other up, to do something we never in a million years had planned on doing when we got pregnant. Every other choice in the world is easy for me after that. Still... I can't look at it as loss. Not now. I did then, and I had no idea how I could see it as anything but a tragedy. But Aislynn Bridgit Haynie is my child, My daughter, a million dreams in one little body. I could not continue to look at my child as a loss or a tragedy. Not and HEAL from that loss. Instead I had to look at her as my child, my baby, my daughter. When I use those words my heart floods with LOVE. THOSE are the words I want associated with my little girl. Those are the memories I want to keep. Always a blessing.... NEVER a loss. ALWAYS a blessing, NEVER a loss. ALWAYS A BLESSING, NEVER a loss. ALWAYS A BLESSING, NEVER A LOSS! Yes there are days that are hard. There are days when I am brought to my KNEES with the grief that I feel. There are empty chairs at Christmas and I always get a tug of greif on those days. I cry sometimes inconsolably on her birthday. And I always will. But on an average day that child who is all Spirit now she lifts me up. She offers me a connection to the One True Source that I grab with elation. Her presence has taught me lessons innumerable and has allowed me endless opportunities to grow. Her life has blessed my own life in ways that I can hardly describe. And so yes she is my first blessing.... my first Thanksgiving in a series of many. Below are the candles that we lit for Aislynn, Aidan, and Rowan Haynie on October 15th.