Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day 4

Day four and I am so very very thankful for my Taryn-bo-Baryn. Let me just say that I am doing this in age order.... because I love all my children so very much. So much so.... that I have to do an individual page for each one. How could ONE post sort out the blessings that all my children offer? It can't. So you get to read a post per child. This one is Taryn and she is larger than life.
Taryn came into this world her way. She was (By Docs certainty and ultrasounds galore) 35 weeks 4 days. Which made her a preemie. They tried to stop my labor because they wanted her to cook a little longer. But Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, had other ideas. She was NOT going to be held back and after 24 hours of attempting to stop the labor.... the docs went with it. She came into this world already learning how to assert her will.... and she never has stopped yet. Because Taryn was born by C-section the hospital policy is that the babe sleeps in the nursery the first night and then can room in every night after that at mother's discretion. It was different for us. Why? Because Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, would not stop screaming unless she was held by me. In order to NOT fall asleep in the hospital bed with her in my arms, my first night walking the floor with Taryn was her first on earth. The nursery wouldn't keep her because... she was disturbing all of the other newborns... you know the ones who spent the first couple of weeks of their lives sleeping. The next night my nurse, realizing that I must be exhausted as I hadn't slept since having a C-section 36 hours ago, agreed to come in and check on us every 15 minutes and Taryn slept in the bed with me.
It was easier (for me) when Taryn came home.... because we co-sleep and she was a very happy baby... with me. But Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, did NOT want to be held by others. In fact we have endless pictures of the child screaming ( she never cried without screaming). My poor mother after being deafened one night decided it might be best if we waited for her to babysit until Taryn was older. My own husband was white knuckled and ready to blow when I tried a mommy's night out when she was a couple of months old. I nursed and she wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with a bottle.... EVER. And this was just when she was a NEWBORN. She has a way about her.
Taryn.... well she is strong minded... and I work HARD to foster that. Though I don't think she would let me do anything other than that. She is opinionated and she is driven and determined. When she wants it she WILL get her way. With everyone in the world except... her sissy. Her sister who she loves so much that she often will give way. With her sister who she shows so much generosity that it makes my heart sing. As she has gotten older she has added people to her favorites... it isn't just ME any more. Her Daddy and her Granny and her Gramps are some of her top people... and if you are one of her top people then you know. You know that her hugs and kisses are magic. She packs them with so much love and affection that I truly believe they can heal a heart. And she is so generous with those hugs and kisses. Taryn is one of the most loving individuals that I have ever met. I am such a lucky mommy... because she could and would sit and hug and kiss me all day long. I feel so fortunate to have this little huggy bear as my daughter.
Taryn is an artist.. no seriously she is... before she was 2 she was drawing cartoon characters from shows.... and we KNEW what she was drawing. That has only continued as she has gotten older. She loves art. She would draw all day. She loves to color and has been the child that has decorated my walls, my furniture, my garbage can.... she says that she " Hates white" and I have to watch her carefully because when she sees white.... she attempts to change its status. She loves pretty. She wants to do my hair and my nails and my make-up all the time. She told me this summer that she would no longer be wearing pants when we go places.... she will only wear skirts or dresses. Well as the weather is getting colder I have had to put my foot down... which has made her do the same.... which gets interesting. Her temper hasn't gotten smaller... but with her vocabulary getting better we have a better chance of coming to terms with things without temper tantrums. Still she talks loud and figures she should always get her way. Taryn is the poster child for why spanking doesn't work. I have had to come to terms with the fact that were I to be a parent who spanked I would have to entirely break my child because she would see it as a battle of wills. As I am NOT willing to do that.... I have to employ other tactics. Like Ashlynn, Taryn makes me a better person. She makes me want to be perfect. She makes me see where I need to work on it. My life is so much better for the children. I am so fortunate to spend my life with these amazing angels.
My Taryn keeps it colorful and exciting. She loves so deeply that it astounds me. She is sensitive to those she loves and WANTS to be helpful. She is my Soo-soo ( from her favorite book) she is my Tee-Tah... she is my heart. She is her sister's best friend... and her daddy's little snuggler. She is proud to be just like her "Nancy-grandma" She is my Sunshine... the light of my life. She shines that light as readily as she shares her thunderstorms. I see her face... and I know love all through my body. My sweet little teeter totter girl.
Taryn which is a combination of Tara ( which is the hill that the ancient rulers of Ireland ruled from)

 and Erin the name of the island.... and was the name that was chosen for Aidan should he have been a girl... Anne  of which Nancy is a diminutive ( so she IS named for her Nancy-grandma) meaning grace or favored by god. Put together they mean a ruler of our heritage with grace or that is favored by God...... and WOW does she live up to THAT name.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day Three

So on Day three let me tell you about one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Her name is Ashlynn Ka-Bashlynn and she is my world. She is the quirkiest, sweetest, most generous person I know. She is a remarkable problem solver who can look at a situation and fix it in her brain. She spends her days making a better mouse trap ( it actually worked), reading books ( she can read entire books with some help), and doing math because " it's fun." I am so very very thankful that I get to spend my time with this child. She brightens up a room with her smile and chatter... and make my life infinitely better because she is in it. Ashlynn can talk like nobody's business... in fact as I am typing this she is showing me how by taking apart a toy she is making a duck call and wants to go outside to see if it works. THIS is the beauty of my Ashlynn child.
Ashlynn has this sense of style that has had me shaking my head since she was two and started to have opinions about what to wear. I have tried to foster that ability to offer and trust her opinion, so even when I thought that things were a little crazy I have let her go... this has turned out to sometimes mean that I have gone out into the word with a girl in dress and sneakers or a princess dress. And I love it that unique ability to put things together that cause a question mark in my head and wear them with PRIDE and ATTITUDE enough to make it all work.
Her goofiness knows no bounds. She is nutty and zany and fun. She is friendly to everyone she sees... and often a trip to a park will have her telling me about a new friend, because as she has told me " strangers are just an opportunity to make new friends." This has her telling me STILL about the girl that she met two years ago at Playland..... she remembers her to this day and has only met the girl once. She has waitresses that remember her and cashiers that ask after her if she isn't with me. She draws pictures for people she hardly knows and offers them to make a day brighter for them.
She has such a way of looking at things. And when she explains it all... it makes sense. A couple of weeks ago I was grumbling because our funds are limited and I didn't want to have to spend what little we had one something or another and my little girl looks up at me and says " But that is what money is for mommy, to spend. It doesn't have any other purpose." And well.... huh... yup she is right. And that way of looking at things has me marveling all the time. She is so close to the Spirit and in her innocence has answers in ways I have forgotten to look.
I was afraid after Aislynn and Aidan that I would never be able to have a child. So when I held Ashlynn for the first time I was sure that all my dreams had been answered.... I didn't realize that all my dreams had just STARTED. I had been so focused on having a baby... that I didn't know what to do once I had. But Ashlynn  showed me quickly that every day is a new adventure, one that she is excited to meet. She helps me to be excited. She helps me to see the newness of the day and to celebrate it. I love her more than earth and air... I don't know what I would do without her..... but if you have ever met her you know that my life would be a lot quieter without her.
Ashlynn ( which is the anglicized version of her sister Aislynn's name) means "Dream or Vision" and her middle name Aoibheann means " Radiant beauty" ... and so aptly fit for her.  A dream or vision of Radiant beauty.... yes yes I believe that is the most fitting name she could have received.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day Two

For Day two of my Thirty Days of Thanksgiving... I am going to speak my gratefulness for Aidan Garrett Haynie. Aidan is my second child born live, and my only son. Aidan lived with us a very short time. His date of birth was his only day here on earth. Aidan was tiny and very very early, because of that it was made very clear by the doctors that he was too early to try to save. We knew when labor was unable to be stopped.... that we would not have him long. If at all.
Despite the odds ( doctors did not expect him to be born alive, and even warned me that he was so fragile the very act of being born could tear him apart) Aidan Garrett Haynie was born living and took breath. He was whole and perfect.... he was just very very small. The most miraculous thing about the life of Aidan Garrett.. is that he was held by someone who loved him for every single second of his life. That means a great deal to me as his mummy. He was HELD BY SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM.... for every single second of his life. There are not many who can say that. There are not many lives so filled with love. He snuggled into my chest and I held pure love for the short time that he was here.
Shortly after Aidan passed my mother had a dream. It was a dream where Aidan was thanking her for keeping him safe because during his transition from physical to angel he was vulnerable.... and in that vulnerable time we kept him safe and cared for him. As she told me this I knew the truth of it. I had been chosen to keep an angel safe as the angel was being born.... and I did that job well. I have never felt such love. It was as if the spirit of that child was too big for that body, and because of that filled the room. It was almost a physical presence: that love, that spirit. I am forever grateful for that opportunity to feel spirit so intensely.
Shortly after my baby passed my mother and I were talking and she told me that there would come a day when I would see my children (Aislynn and Aidan) as blessings. I was beside myself. HOW could she imagine that such a tragedy in my life could be a blessing. And yet. ... yes I have come to see my angels as blessings. So much so that often when people express their condolences I reply with " we have been so blessed." And we have. Yesterday I listed only 5 of the many many blessings that Aislynn has brought into my life, so if you will bear with me I would like to do so for Aidan. You see it was a fluke... an accident actually because my parents had brought my niece to the apple orchard that day, but there was a camera in the room.... and I have photos of me holding my baby. Not just ONE... but many photos of my sweet little boy. He was born at 21 weeks and most mommies with babies born at that age DO NOT have photos. I have his hand prints and his footprints and I have a blanket... but it is the photos that I go to the most. ( blessing one) Aidan Garrett showed me how intense a connection with Spirit can be. He hosted a spirit for a few short moments and filled a room with so much love I cannot forget the feeling of holding him. ( blessing two) Aidan offered me an opportunity to fulfill a greater purpose than I had ever imagined possible when I kept a spirit protected and safe as he was born into angel form. ( Blessing Three) Born alive and whole ( against the odds) he was able to be transferred into my arms and held his whole life with love and comfort.  ( blessing four) There are more. So many many more blessings that surrounded his birth. He offered me infinite opportunities to learn and grow, for which I am so very very grateful.
This little man was not a tragedy, though it may have felt that way at the start. No this little man existed for a reason... and I helped him through a transition. I am grateful that I had that opportunity and that I was able to share those blessed moments while he was on earth with him. I am so thankful for my little boy.

Thirty days of Thanksgiving - Day ONE

For two years running now I have used my statuses in Facebook in November to list Thirty things that I am grateful for. Each day dwelling on what I am grateful for. I do this for several reasons...
Firstly I have noticed when I am focused on what I am grateful for my life is infinitely more positive. This is because as the Law of Attraction states... Like attracts like. It is true. Take two days to try this experiment on day one go out and smile at every one you see. Catch their eyes and REALLY smile at them. At the end of the day take note of how many people smiled at you... and how your world seems brighter and life seems more exciting and amazing. You will feel so good that you won't WANT to do the second part.... which is the exact opposite. Go out into the world the next day with a scowl... don't meet anyone's eyes and don't smile... not even in response to someone smiling at you. Though take NOTE if someone DOES smile at you.... because there are going to be fewer smiles to count than on your first day. At the end of your day take stock of what your day was like.... were there more snafus  and problems? Did your day seem more of a chore and were you just wishing the day would be OVER already? Like attracts like. So if you CONSCIOUSLY decide to approach your day with that smiley grateful attitude it is far more likely your day is going to be wonderful. And I like wonderful days.
Secondly when I am counting my blessings or those things in my life that I am grateful for... it is EASIER for me to have that smiley and positive approach to life. There is no doubt that there are hardships in my life. Every person in the world has them. They are different for all of us.... but no one gets out without SOME hardships. If I am dead broke on one day and look at a rich person with envy.... then I may miss that this person doesn't have any one to SHARE it with. If I am grateful for what I have counting those blessings.... then I don't leave the room for ENVY in my heart. Envy is a negative emotion that can tear your happiness apart. So when there is that moment that you look at another with envy stop ... and look at YOURSELF with gratitude. It will change your world.
Thirdly I never ever ever want to take anything in my life for granted. I have learned some tough lessons about loss.... OR I have learned some valuable lessons about appreciation. I held my daughter for only a few short minutes before she passed to the spirit side of life.... But I held her ( Blessing number one), I have PICTURES of me holding her ( Blessing number two), I resolved that I would NEVER take my children for granted ( Blessing number three), I have an angel sitting on my shoulder whenever I think of her, who is DEEPLY connected to me ( Blessing number four), I learned that what you see in life is a matter of perspective and that perspective can change everything( Blessing number five). I could go on. I truly could. I have worked HARD as counting the blessings that are attached to my oldest daughter.... because if I DON'T count those blessings I can get sucked into the sadness of her not being here. Life is fleeting. You cannot hold on to any one moment for longer than that moment.
There are many many other reasons that I do this. Some of them important some of them not. What is important in this post is that I am saying THANK YOU. To the Spirit that has created this bounty in my life... to the people who are sharing it with me. To the Universe for all that the protons, neutrons, and electrons that make me up have created in my life. Because make no mistake... as a child of God.. and an integral part of the One True Source... I am the creator of my world. So yes I also thank myself for working to make this world what it is for me.
Today I am using my first day of Thanksgiving to speak my gratitude to the universe for My daughter Aislynn. For every lesson that I listed above and more. This amazing spirit who came into my life taught me more about hard decisions than anything in my life before or since. When Dave and I had to make the choice to take her off of life support I remember him tossing himself across my hospital bed and saying " What do we do now? What are we supposed to do?" I answered " We have a funeral." and then I called Silent Unity's prayer center and I asked for the lady on the other end to pray with me. She asked for specifics and I said " My three day old daughter is in the NICU. The doctors have said that there is nothing more that can be done for her. I have to go hold her and have the life support turned off. Please pray with me for the strength to do this, because I don't know how to do this." The lady on the other end burst into tears. She prayed with me... and then Dave and I walked down a hallway holding each other up, to do something we never in a million years had planned on doing when we got pregnant. Every other choice in the world is easy for me after that. Still... I can't look at it as loss. Not now. I did then, and I had no idea how I could see it as anything but a tragedy. But Aislynn Bridgit Haynie is my child, My daughter, a million dreams in one little body. I could not continue to look at my child as a loss or a tragedy. Not and HEAL from that loss. Instead I had to look at her as my child, my baby, my daughter. When I use those words my heart floods with LOVE. THOSE are the words I want associated with my little girl. Those are the memories I want to keep. Always a blessing.... NEVER a loss. ALWAYS a blessing, NEVER a loss. ALWAYS A BLESSING, NEVER a loss. ALWAYS A BLESSING, NEVER A LOSS! Yes there are days that are hard. There are days when I am brought to my KNEES with the grief that I feel. There are empty chairs at Christmas and I always get a tug of greif on those days. I cry sometimes inconsolably on her birthday. And I always will. But on an average day that child who is all Spirit now she lifts me up. She offers me a connection to the One True Source that I grab with elation. Her presence has taught me lessons innumerable and has allowed me endless opportunities to grow. Her life has blessed my own life in ways that I can hardly describe. And so yes she is my first blessing.... my first Thanksgiving in a series of many. Below are the candles that we lit for Aislynn, Aidan, and Rowan Haynie on October 15th.

Asthma and Airways

A and T have had a cold this week. I had it last week and Dad did too. But colds are a little different if you have a child with Asthma. All of a sudden you are awake all night listening to her breathing. Every cough and inhalation is carefully analysed to determine if an inhaler treatment is needed. For A colds tend to hit her chest harder, and stay longer... and they are scary. T has her own issues. She has an overactive gag reflex so she always ends up throwing up. I can handle that. What I hate is the sour tummy I get as I listen to A wheeze and the lack of sleep as I listen. Last night I had to wake her up to give her an inhaler treatment. Yesterday she came to me in tears because her chest felt so tight. These are things that some mommas don't understand. These are the reasons that she is kept inside until the cough is all gone. These are the reasons I tend to be overprotective of her. And not just me... today it was her Daddy who stopped her and made her breath for him for a second and then jumped up to get the inhaler.
The funny thing is that we all come from a different place, a different set of experiences. The blueprint of our prior lives is what determines how we react to the circumstance that life throws at us.  A momma who has a kid with a strong immune system who has never had an allergic reaction or a wheezy baby may look at me and shake her head. But then when I see her hovering over her child at a playground I may do the same. "What a shame" I think " that child needs to learn to trust herself." And yet perhaps that same child fell last week and suffered ill effects because of that fall, making mom a little more protective. How am I to know that.... and yet I feel free to judge. I feel a degree of self-righteousness as I shake my head and mutter, then smile at my child who is jumping fearlessly from the top platform. THAT is what a mother SHOULD do. Isn't it?
But the answer is simply this: a mother should parent in the best way that she knows how. A mother should never listen to those shoulds..... instead a mother needs to love her child, and herself for doing the best that she can with what she has to work with. And perhaps, if there is enough time or energy when all is said and done a mother can offer a smile to another mother who has a temper tantrum in kids clothing, or a hand of help to that momma with the new baby and well frankly a terrified look on her face. Motherhood is tough. It is the most difficult job that I have ever done... and the most important. So let's all give each other a break.... because I sure know I could use one every now and then.

Rainbow Baby

I suppose that it is fitting that I should start this blog on this date.... October 29th. Six years ago on this date.... I was handed an eight pound bundle that changed my life forever. This bundle seemed like she was the answer to all of my dreams. Little did I know.... she was the START of all of my dreams. She was my Rainbow baby. The first of my children to come home to stay. That made her special in and of itself, but as I got to know this little bundle I realized that she was special for many many more reasons than that. She has taught me to love..... she has shown me how deep love can penetrate your soul. She has helped me to learn how loved I am. She has connected me more closely to the Spirit.... as I see her connection and strive to be that connected. She has filled my whole world with an inquisitive brightness that I can only hint at. She has made me whole when I hadn't even known I was missing something. I am blessed by this little girl every single day. And I am so grateful for her presence in my life.
So what am I doing... selling our crafts on Etsy, starting a blog, moving forward in ways that I haven't even planned. Why am I doing this? Well firstly because I feel strongly that this is a way that I can support my family... and yes this Rainbow baby... while being HOME with her. But also because as I write out these things that I feel and see in the growing up of my babies.... it helps me to sort out the messy emotions that go with it.... and it helps to firm my connection to my children and to the Spirit. And lastly because it might help another mommy... one who is home with her babes... one who has lost one of her babes... one who is feeling a little crazy and needs to know that we all feel that way. We'll see where this takes us.... and my guess is that it will be a bumpy ride, but that ride can be filled with laughs and smiles as well as tears: and all of those things are better for having been shared with each other.