I have been playing with the idea of needing to write again. I have been told again and again by people I love that I SHOULD be. So many things that get in the way... so many days that go by with nothing more than keeping up with the demands of a household. As time goes by there is a forgetfulness that envelopes me. The active me forgets how the spirit me needs release every now and then. Also... I have found a new and different outlet... see... I have taken on the responsibility of becoming a Spiritualist minister... with that comes homework, tests, and a lot of new reading. As I picked this up I also started offering the message at church ( sermon if you will) and picked up mediumship and healing. Now... I KNOW that none of those things should interfere with what I can get onto a page... and probably should even ENHANCE IT. I am however a human and as this spirit is learning sometimes the physical needs to play a bit of catch-up. Oddly I have picked up my needlework again and I recently started to visit old stations on Pandora. I had a week where my children were with my parents and my husband was mostly at work. In that week.... I started picking up the parts of me that were dropped along the way. I haven't picked all of them up... and some of them don't fit like they used to, but it is a start.
I am trying to figure out where these new old parts belong... and why I dropped them to begin with. Music has always moved me in a way that I can hardly express. I saw a friend from a long time ago last week while the kids were away and I mentioned that I hadn't been listening to music in the last few years. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. " WHAT!?" she practically yells... " THAT IS NOT MELISSA!" and while I know this as truth... I can't seem to figure out when I stopped listening to music or why. I can't figure out why I put down my needlework not to pick it up... and I can't remember why I stopped reading for the pure pleasure of it. I feel like I have been the disappearing woman. I want myself back... I want to remember what it felt like to float with the music and disappear into a land that seems like it must be a dream. I want to be that whirling dervish again. I don't know how to be... so.. I pick up... and I move on from here.
One little step at a time... as I pick up the parts of me that have been left in places that speak to my heart.... I am finding out who this NEW Melissa is. Nope can't go to music festival or concert after concert any more.... but I can listen to the music on the computer and remember... and remember.... Have to split my time between parts of me that I love now and people who I love. Many of these parts I have lost were lost because my heart had to make space for new PEOPLE>.. and their likes and dislikes and their needs and as they grow... they will be less and less needful of me... and as that happens I can pick up more and more of my parts. I don't have to mourn them.... I can pull them out every now and then and smile and say.... "I remember you... let's dance again." and I will evaluate whether this is a part that can fit right now... or ever again... and I will evolve. For right now I am going to perhaps try to pick up writing again. Because there are few ways in this world that BETTER help me to figure out who I am and where I am going. So bear with me... as I don't always know what will come out of me.... and I don't know that it is really intended for a reader. Still..... I will bang away on this keyboard... and I will see where that takes me. And maybe just maybe you will find something of worth in what I have to say to myself.
