Thirty Days of thanksgiving- Days 23 24 and 25

I have fallen victim to this nasty illness first my mother and then my children wanted to share. So Sat and Sun and today... I have no voice. Or what I do have is gravelly and less than beautiful. I have been so tired and run down. Still it hasn't all been bad. It never is. Even though I want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head.. I can't because my husband already has... and SOMEONE has to watch the kids. ( don't worry he 1. knows this is true... and 2.  never reads my blog ... so he won't get his feelings hurt) {oooh snarky... gotta watch for that when I get to feeling like crap even the girls and keagan noticed yesterday}.... so on to Thanks giving .... or at least giving thanks.
For my 23 thing I am grateful for yarn. As many of you may know my addiction to yarn began when I was in highschool. My mother taught me to knit at the ripe age of like 11 and it took me a couple of years to get into the swing of it.... but once I did... whoo hoo baby! My granny taught me to crochet when I was 18. And I found that knitting and crochet healed my soul. It helped to bring me back to the center. I taught myself how to embroider..... and again something that brings such peace and contentment to me. I had to quit doing all of them when my babies were little. I couldn't do anything with any sort of pattern... because I could only knit two stitches at a time before I had to go and save a kid from something. So I took a break rather than get frustrated over something I had control over. During those dark days my yarn stash actually got relegated to the storage unit 1.5 miles AWAY from my home. It was not a good time. My stash suffered from terrible neglect. My step son Codie even suggested that if I weren't going to use the yarn... maybe his grandma could... she crochets. Forgive him... he had no idea.
I have been able to pick up my yarn and start making things again... and it is saving me. It brings me to peace again. What is better is that I am selling the things I make which makes me feel even better about it. I have always hesitated to call my "handiwork" art... because it doesn't really qualify as fine art. I am not working with pen and paper, or oil and canvas.... the items I make often have a functionality to them rather than being art for art's sake. And yet.... it makes me feel so wonderful when something I have envisioned comes to fruition and I have a functional piece of art. The process frees me in a way that is hard to explain fully. I am watching my ideas come to be... and I am praying that I can make that into a functional method of sustaining my family. Fiber ( the technical word for yarn and thread and the like) is to me as.... chocolate is to other souls. I love it... and I love making with it.... and I love sharing what I have made.
Day 24 I am grateful for music. I am not a person who knows too much about the current trend. My step son asked me if I like Bruno Mars in the car the other day and I had to admit I didn't know who that was. I simply don't listen to music of that nature.... now there are a lot of names from an entirely different era that I can wax poetic about. Bela Fleck, Victor Wooton, Doc Watson, Johnny Cash, Vassar Clements... Miles Davis, Thelonious Monk, John Coltrane, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Utah Phillips, Stan Rogers, Lunasa, Eileen Ivers, Karan Casey... the list could go on for pages. I love music... I love how I can find the right item to fit my mood. I love how when it is storming if you put on Chopin it sets a mood that is dark and somehow charged with energy. I love that when traditional Irish music is put on your foot gets to tapping and it is hard NOT to move. I love when I put on The Nutcracker my little girls start practicing their ballet. I do not tend to listen to the radio... I have NO idea what the newest trend it. I love putting on music and knitting..... it is the best of both worlds and when combined with coffee... it is a slice of heaven. It speaks to me in a way that nothing else in the world can.... and I am so grateful for it.
And today it is snowing out... The first one that is going to stick for a bit. This is the end of our year.... we are blessed enough to have a spring filled with beautiful flowers... a Summer that allows for great growing, an Autumn that is filled with bounty and colors, and a winter of snow and ice. I am so grateful for the seasons here. I am so grateful for the change and the color and the beauty. Every season has a wonder attached to it. Every season has a unique beauty.
In some areas of the world they do not have the seasons like we do here. And while I would love to have 70 degree weather in Jan and Feb when we have a stretch of below zero weather.... I wouldn't trade it and give up snow on Christmas and sledding down Hospital Hill. I wouldn't trade it and miss the leaves changing color and raking them up for the kids to jump into. I wouldn't trade and miss the first blooms of spring and the cheer that it brings to your heart. I love the changing of the season. I love the new and different feelings that each season brings. I love sitting near the window with my knitting and some jazz in the background with a hot cup of tea watching the snow fall on us. It is the very definition of peace.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day 22

Today I am grateful for silliness. Playfulness and silliness is something that I have a hard time falling into. I have never been able to lose myself in it. My husband on the other hand can make everything into play. It is one of the things I love most about him. Ashlynn has inherited that trait. She is able to create silliness out of thin air. She can make nearly everyone laugh and smile. Taryn has an imagination that makes up amazing stories and pretend games..... and with the three of them in my life I have often been put in the place of being playful. What a wonderful way to be. It frees that part inside of you that was chained up when you became an adult. It opens the world and makes the sun shine.
When we become playful or silly we lose the weight that sits on our shoulders. Suddenly we don't have any cares.... and isn't that how it should be? What is so important that we should worry about it? .... more importantly why should we worry if we can change it? Well simply enough we should NOT.... because we can change the outcome..... so if we can't change it.... should we worry? hmm well can't change it... rather than allow worry to destroy our OTHER joys we should simply let our attachment to it go. Easier said than done I suppose. Still I just spent 15 minutes in the kitchen dancing with two little girls who insisted that we dance in circles and that we had to switch dance moves every time we made a round.... It was amazing and we were giggling and laughing and out of breath... and we were in love with life for those minutes.
So I am so very grateful for those moments of playful silliness. I am so grateful that I have people in my life who can help me to loosen up.... because we all need to sometimes.

Thirty days of Thanksgiving- day 21

As this is late by a day... today I am grateful for patience. Not just yours.... my children's patience also. I have fallen victim to the ill vapors that have permeated our house for the last week. So that means that we have nearly recovering kids.... and sick mommy.... and that is a bad combo. Still we are surviving... because my children are remarkably patient, even though that is one thing I often lack.
It isn't just today.... my children are patient with me every day. See I am not perfect, I screw up... and they are far more patient with me that I tend to be with them. There is a moment of chagrin when I realize that I have snapped on a kid who is just looking for help... or something equally as child like. My prayers every night include the ability to have more patience with my children. They are so amazing and every day I spend most of my waking moments with them.... and I am so awed by what they do and who the are becoming. I am totally knocked over by their creativity and their imagination. It is hard though to remember that creativity and imagination are messy sometimes... and that they need space to make a few mistakes to learn the best method. It is difficult to take the breath I need to take when washing their own hair turns into an entire bottle of shampoo gone in an instant.... into the bath and never retrievable. Independence is so important... but telling her that she just needs a drop of toothpaste and then watching the geyser that flows into the sink sort of erases the great importance of it. I hear my self repeating things I heard as a child.... " well if you didn't squeeze the middle of the tube as hard as you can... then you could CONTROL how much comes out." And sheesh once you tell a kid she should get it right .... right? Only that isn't exactly how life works. And I know I have sighed, tsked, snapped and snatched way too many times in the life of these kids. "But Mommy I was just trying to help." Oh man have any words hit the heart of a parent worse than those words right after you snapped at her.
You know what though... these kids curl up next to me every night and say " you're the best mommy in the world." and they seem to mean it. They truly love me that much. They think I am the best mommy in the world even with all my mistakes and character flaws. They are so patient with me as I bumble my way through this job of being a mommy. This job which is the most important that I have ever taken on.... and the one that I have so little experience to prepare for. Thank goodness, Thank Spirit for their patience with me. And as I watch them, I am learning how to be more patient with both them and myself.  

Thirty days of Thanksgiving- Day 20

Today I am grateful for kids movies.... no seriously I am. We had to take Taryn to the Dr today. She was up all night with croup... and Ashlynn has a fever now. So... well there we go. This afternoon we are having hot soup with oyster crackers.... and watching one kids movie after another. The girls, neither of them, feel like doing much more than this... and I am trying to do things around them. Truth I am not getting much done, as Taryn is asleep now on the couch and Ashlynn is spread out on the dinner table and Dave is asleep in the bedroom.
I don't know if there are many things worse than your kid being sick. I kind of feel desperate in spite of the doctors visit today because she gets better then gets sick then gets better and then gets sick.... and I just want her WELL. The kids don't even really have the energy to FIGHT right now... and that means they are NOT feeling well! Still there is a level of grouchiness that comes with five straight days of sick and indoors.
So we have watched one kids movie after another to keep busy. And it is taking the edge off of the grumpiness.. of maybe it is just taking everyone's mind off of it. I wish I could say that we are grateful for everyone being well.... but until we CAN say that.... I am grateful for distractions.

Thirty days of Thanksgiving- Day 19

Today I did something that I find very difficult. I asked for help for my family. In August my husband injured himself seriously. Surgery repaired the two tendons, two nerves, and the artery that he severed. His fingers are paralyzed and have no feeling and we have always relied on his income for our family. We are making it... by the grace of God we are making it. But it isn't always pretty or easy. Dave has odd jobs that seem to make the bills just in time, and there are some pantries nearby that have been a remarkable help, our church has taken up a collection that helped in the nick of time. Spirit has kept us afloat. 
Today though I went and asked for help. We have an energy assistance program in our state, and I applied to hopefully get help paying for our energy bills through the winter months. Going to this today made me sick to my stomach and nervous. I told the casemanager Dana that and she felt bad... “ this is what we are here for.” she said. Yes... but not for ME. Not for MY FAMILY.
Still when you have little ones you end up swallowing pride. It isn't the first time that I have had to swallow my pride.... and it probably won't be the last. Still I am grateful that programs like this exist for those times when we need them. Without this program making our winter energy bills would be far more difficult. Without the extra from some of those pantries our food budget wouldn't stretch enough. And when people come together to help another it is always amazing. As the recipient I was deeply touched. There are so many ways that we all need help. We all live in this hard world together.... some days I can be the help, some days I have to ask for the help. I have found that it is infinitely more difficult for me to ask for help than it is for me to offer the hand of help. 

So today I am grateful for help. I am grateful for the help that I have received and also for the help that I can offer. We do not live alone in this world... and when we remember that and reach a hand out to the person next to us who needs that hand it is a blessed thing. 

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 18

Today my Taryn is sick. We have lots of clothes to clean owing to this young lady's stomach unrest. So we spent the morning with her snuggled on my chest while we sat on the couch watching one Christmas movie after another. There is a sweetness to that, even once you figure in the nastiness of the sick. So today I am so grateful that I CAN be there with my daughters when they get sick. Many mommies don't have the ability to just sit with their child. Many mommies have to work and though it breaks their hearts they cannot be there and instead have to find family members to stay with them. I am a lucky lady.
There are so many things about motherhood that are so amazing. While there are sacrifices that have to be made.... the gifts of motherhood far outweigh the sacrifices. When my husband and I discussed marriage and family... it was agreed that we would always have a parent home with the children. And that parent is me. My husband works double hard to make sure I can stay home.... but so do my parents. My mother and father want for my children what they couldn't give to me. And they are generous enough to help our family to be sure that I can stay with my children. This allows me to sit on my couch cuddling a feverish four year old when she needs it. I am so very very grateful for the support that those around me have offered to make this possible for myself and my children. It helps to foster in those sweet babies the idea of what family truly is. And when you have a strong family core, you are rich in ways that many can only imagine. 
Today she is sick... I put my life on hold for her.... but the magic of the days that they are well... the leaf jumping, pancake making magic.

I home school my littles. And I have Ashlynn reading and Taryn already writing her letters with help. They are allowed to learn at their own pace.... and I am able to be an active part of it. I am the luckiest mommy in the world. And I owe it in no small part to the people around me who support me to ensure that I can be the mommy at home that I want to be... and my children need me to be.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 17

I am not even sure that I know how to approach today and what I am grateful for. Several towns in my state were hit terribly hard with tornadoes. There are people who are dead.. there are people who have lost everything. The damage that has been inflicted today by mother nature is truly heart wrenching. We are here we are safe... we were not in the damage path but instead just on the outside where we looked outside and looked at storm clouds and hail with wonder.... but did not have any damage. It seems selfish of me today to be grateful for much of anything. A person who didn't watch as mother nature tore her world apart.
A dear friend's family lost EVERYTHING, but she was visiting with family and were not home. Another dear friend lives in the area but were on a trip and were out of danger. She does not know if her house is okay yet. So yes I do have something to be grateful for... I am grateful that the people I know who were directly effected by this storm system have only lost THINGS. I am grateful because THINGS can be replaced. I am grateful that they have been in touch with the people who love them most and have let them know they are safe.
I pray for healing and comfort for the people who have lost family, their homes... their everything. I pray for strength for them as they rebuild lives. My heart goes out to each and every survivor of the tornadoes that ripped apart the world today.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 16

Today I am stealing my thanksgiving from my daughter. We were discussing what mommy was doing the other day and Taryn pipes up " I am grateful for Jodi... because she gave me brothers." She is so very right and so today I am grateful for Jodi.... because she has given me two amazing step sons.
Codie and Keagan are an incredibly important part of my life. I love them as much as I love any of my own children. Our relationship is different, because I am not their mother. Jodi is, and that is a position of great honor. I can never take her place in her children's lives... and I wouldn't want to. As a mother myself I know that I would fight tooth and nail if anyone thought that they were going to take that place for me. I am the boys stepmother.... and I cultivate a relationship with those two boys that different from that of my own children... but no less amazing.
Jodi shares these kids with me. She got us information to go to the football games when Keagan was playing. She invited us to his birthday party at her house. She goes to lengths to make sure that we can be a part of his life. This is very important to me as that young man is a brother to my young daughters. Family is so important, it is in my mind the true measure of wealth.
Our relationship has not always been an easy one. There has had to be a lot of healing on all sides of the equation. Still Jodi and I are forging a friendship for which I am grateful for. I feel that it can only be good for two young men who we both love so much. I am so very grateful for both Jodi and her mother Lauren: two people who mean the world to two boys I love dearly, two people who have worked to make sure that those boys have a relationship with our family. In doing so, they have created a relationship with our family that is very appreciated. Today I brought home little gifts from Jodi that she purchased while out and about because she was thinking of the girls. That is pretty Awesome if you ask me, and something I am entirely grateful for.

Thirty days of thanksgiving-Day 15

Today I am grateful for my yard. My garden is my go to place to bring back my sanity. I go out and I touch the dirt and I dig in it.... I mow the grass and pull back the weeds.... and I find myself again. I thank every plant as I tend it... and I love those plants nearly as much as I love my girls or my dogs. I look forward to the day I can get back into the garden all winter long.
I am so happy to have a connection to the earth. I love the sun shining on me. I adore the sweat pouring off of me. I am overjoyed when I get my hands into the dirt: whether it be cool and damp or warm and dry. The smell of tomatoes relaxes me. I don't care if it is flowers or vegetables or fruit: working with the plants makes me so happy.
For years I wanted to garden and felt that I couldn't. Too much to do... too many other things to take care of. I was daunted... truly intimidated by the idea of gardening. What if I did something wrong? What if my garden didn't grow? Don't ask me what changed. I don't fully know. But a few years ago I thought well "If I never TRY I never succeed." Truth is I never fail if I don't try either.... but then I never get the CHANCE to succeed.
So I jumped in. And the first year wasn't stellar... but I was hooked. It has gotten better each year. And I have tons of ideas for next year. As I cleared the garden for the winter today there was a tug of sadness that there are months until I can plant again.... but that thrill of working with the land was there. The sun and the sweat and the dirt.... and there was a wonderful sense of working with the land and recognizing the passage of seasons and the purpose of those seasons. I am so very grateful that I can get out in the garden... and that it is so much nicer than a chore for me.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 14

For today I am so grateful for our animals. We have some of the best pets in the entire world. Let me preface by saying that our animals are family members. They are loved and cared for much like our children are. I have never thought of myself as the OWNER of a dog so much as I am the caretaker of that dog. We have two dogs right now. ( We have two rats also but as I am allergic to them, they are not so much a part of my own circle as they are the girls and Dave's ) Abigail and Sweetie Pie are our furry kids, and we are so blessed to have them. My girls fully support the idea that these dogs are their furry sisters... and they love these animals as much as anyone could.
Abigail is a rescue dog. David took me to the shelter to have me pick out a dog for my Valentine's gift in 2005. We went to get a three legged chow mix that had been advertised as we were certain that no one would want her. When we got there.... and told them we were there to see that dog they laughed... because everyone in the city had come prepared to adopt the three legged dog. We were kind of bummed... we had even picked out the name " tri-pod" ( I know totally original.) Still we decided to take a look at what they had. We looked at several dogs, took them out to get to know them. All of the dogs that we pulled out were all about the dogs in the cages rather than about us. I know that shelter dogs rarely show their best foot at the shelter...but we wanted a dog to at least LOOK at us. We were about to leave and had walked out the door... when Dave said " well there was one other" and I said " yeah I saw one I kind of liked too" and he said " the one on the corner" and we finished "with one eye!" Well that decided it for us. We BOTH had thought that the same dog might be worth another look. So in we went and got her out of the crate to meet her. She was ALL about us. So excited that we were with her that she could barely calm herself. We knew in a second that she was ours.
She had been at the shelter since Jan 6 and it was Feb 10... and this poor sweetheart was so emaciated that you could count every rib. Even with more than a month of being fed at the shelter she was so thin that she looked horribly abused. She had scars everywhere and she had lost her right eye. She looked so pathetic it was heartbreaking... and this was after MORE THAN A MONTH OF CARE! I don't want to even imagine what she was when she came in. My mom was skeptical. " A Pitbull huh?" I said " Well yeah... but meet her." So she came over to meet our as yet nameless little nameless pup. She got tears in her eyes and she immediately went about getting that puppy " fattened up" We decided on the name Abigail ( despite Dave wanting desperately to name her Popeye or Cyclops.) We got a voucher when we adopted her to have a free spay or neuter... so we took her to the vet the next day. She was in such rough shape from her past that the vet immediately gave us a nasty look and was a bit short.... until she got the voucher... which made it clear that she had been adopted only the day before. She smiled and told us that she had been prepared to really dislike us because of the condition of the dog.... but that she was so glad that we had adopted her. She looked her over and told us from the scarring and the condition that the dog was in she thought that she had been a bait dog.... and that she thought that Abby was perhaps about 7 months old. We got her spayed and brought her home.... where she has stayed every day since. The vet wanted to do weight checks on her because she was so thin. In the first week we put 12 lbs on her and 8 lbs the second... and then it evened out and got slower.... but the vet wasn't worried she could tell that Abs had a good home with people who loved and fed her.
Abigail has the most loving and forgiving nature. She loves so completely and has been a blessing in our home since the day she came into it. We have to be careful with her... she can dislike a person for seemingly no reason. She has happy tail syndrome and breaks it open every now and then and bleeds all over the place. She gets nervous and scared about what seems like nothing. But she has been with us for eight nearly nine years..... and in that time she has offered so much to us that we feel the trade has been well worth it.
Sweetie Pie is a dog we got from the pet store. She is hardly a rescue.... and hasn't known a hard day since she was 8 weeks old and came into our home for the first time. She is a boxer/shar pei mix.... and is the cutest thing you have ever seen. She is as big as Abigail... but thinks of herself as a lapdog. She sleeps in the bed on my feet most nights... and she has only ever known being part of a family. I wanted to name that dog Bear.... but my girls were firm... she was Sweetie Pie.... and I guess that was that.
She was little enough when we got her.... that the kids could lift her. She was about the size of a newborn baby and was often held like one ( which might explain the lap dog syndrome.) She has helped us to teach our young girls gentle touch with animals... and has been patient with them. She managed the final test like a champ.... when Taryn accidentally tripped and fell on her she kissed her and got up. No growls no nastiness.... just checking on the kid and getting out of the way. When you have children there are those moments that no matter how hard you work to protect everyone... they fall on each other. A dog in a house full of kids.... has to be patient with that and Sweetie Pie IS. Not to mention she never tries to steal food from the kids ( Abby does so we have to watch) But then she has never known a moment of starvation or hunger. This dog was the best addition we ever could have made to our household.
We are so very blessed by these awesome animals. We are grateful every single day for them. Abigail had a stroke a few months ago... Dave got an aspirin into her and the vet believes that saved her life. She is a little wobbly now and she barks and walks around in circles about once a day... the vet said an aspirin a day for the rest of her life. There is no telling how long she will be with us. But we will give her a home until she makes that transition... and we will mourn her when it comes. Still we are proud to have had such a wonderful companion with us. We are so happy that we have been able to give this wonderful spirit a life that is worthy of her. I am a strong advocate of animal care... maybe not RIGHTS so to speak.... but caring for and being a good steward for the earth and her animals. I am at my max capacity for animals to care for. I can't take on any more, but every time I see an animal who needs care in the way that Abby did, I share it on Facebook, sometimes I shed a tear.... and then I go hug my dogs. It makes me feel like I am doing something. What I can at any rate. I love my furry kids.... and I am so grateful they are in my life. They complete my life.

Thirty days of Thanksgiving-Day 13

Today I am grateful for flexibility. Yesterday was a tough day in this household. Not much of anything got done.... including a blog post..... but we can be flexible... I can do two today. Flexibility isn't always easy. Some people aren't wired for it.... some days don't allow for it. Sometimes even people who normally CAN roll with the punches get into moods where trying to be flexible is frustrating.
I am a person of confusing tendencies. It makes living with me tough. Some days I am really flexible and fully capable of brushing off  frustrations.... and some days not so much. That isn't the only place where I can be a study of opposites from one day to the next... that is only one example. This creates a strong need for flexibility in the people around me.... This is why I am so grateful for it.
I am not happy with change.. I do not do well without some kind of plan. And yet, I don't follow them well. I start out with the best of intentions and then I blow it all to hell. It is who I am. So this leads to me saying " We need to plan this out." and being somewhat forceful about it, only to me saying "Well forget this... let's just do it this way." a little bit later in the day. This sort of flexible double personality comes from having children. See before children I would have been easily described as the most steady and conservative person in the world. A place for everything and everything in its place. A plan for everything and everything according to plan. Yup that would have summed me up perfectly.
Then I held this tiny little package of chaos. Just as I would be ready to go out the door, she would poop in her diaper. No sooner would I get into my nice clothes then she would spit up all over me. No sooner would I get to the grocery store then I would hear a babe cry and my milk would let down. No sooner would... well you get the point. It is endless. It started from day one and it has only continued. With two it makes for some interesting compromises. With so many food allergies it makes for crazy substitutions for what normal people would use. It took a bit of time for me to learn to roll with the punches. It took time for me to be okay with the interruptions and substitutions that children introduced me to.
But let's take a look at what learning to be more flexible has done for me: Ashlynn's food allergies have introduced us to amazing food choices that we might not have otherwise made. Also because of those allergies we eat a lot healthier than we otherwise might have. I have learned to take life a whole lot slower with these kids.... because if I hurry then Sunshine will dig in her heals. I have learned that flexibility makes parenting so much easier. When I start to get rigid it gets harder for all of us. It has not been an easy lesson for me. But as I have learned this lesson, I have become more and more grateful for flexibility; both in myself and those around me.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving-Day 12

Yesterday we had snow... yes snow. .. Already. So last night Dave suggested that we go to breakfast and then go to get the girls boots. We can't COMPLETELY winterize the girls in one go... we have to do it over a series of weeks. And I was just saying to a family member that Christmas should be later in the season so I don't have to worry about how to buy presents while also making sure that my kids are outfitted for the snow and blow season. Still.... that is what we did today. We pushed back a few things that we were going to do and got the girls some boots. Next week SNOW PANTS.
So what am I grateful for today.... that I CAN do this. There are families that don't have this option. There are families who cannot buy boots for all of their kids struggle or not. So while we struggle to do it I am so grateful that we CAN!
As we walked out of Farm and Fleet there was a collection box for donations of toys for children. And as I explained to my children what it was it hit me... I am worrying about Christmas. How will I do it? What can I afford? But my kids have roofs over their head and meat on their plates. We bust our tails for everything we have.... but we worry about how MUCH we can get the kids.... not IF we CAN. So I am grateful for what we DO have..... because it is ENOUGH! what ever it is it is ENOUGH. If it is one gift this year.... it is ENOUGH! and I am so grateful for that!!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 11

It would be extremely remiss of me to be grateful today for anything EXCEPT  our veterans and soldiers. These are people who, often at a very young age, make an extreme sacrifice for their country and the people who make this country up. Today is Veteran's Day.... and it is a day to remember: To remember those who have lost their lives fighting for our country, to remember those who have had their lives changed irrevocably by a war that they understand far more than we who sit home, to remember the sacrifices that they have made.
It is a day late now.... though I started this on the 11th children being what they are and life as a mother being what it is: I was torn away. I have that option... I have the option of putting things off for a day... Our soldiers do not.... when they are called to arms it doesn't matter that they have children at home or a new baby on the way. When they are deployed no one checks to make sure that it fits with their long term plans. Weddings are moved up or put on hold... babies are met for the first time through Skype. We see the heartfelt reunions that make the whole world tear up with happiness and the world right, but it is rare to see the tearful goodbyes... where a soldier goes off and that soldier's family has days before word and months before hugging and holding that soldier again. Today soldiers are men AND women, Husband AND wives, Fathers AND mothers. These individuals pick up and off they go at a word.
My own brother has been overseas three times; twice to Afghanistan and once to Iraq. He missed three of his daughter's first four birthdays. He missed watching her first steps and he missed Christmases with her. This is the personal sacrifice that he made because our country called.
Others have made what seems like even larger sacrifices. There are soldiers who have sacrificed one limb, two limbs... some have sacrificed their lives. There are spouses who watch every news report on pins and needles... there are children who have said goodbye to a parent with no real certainty that it isn't forever. Our soldiers come back with PTSD and have a hard time fitting back into their family lives, their social lives, civilization. These men and women spend weeks or months jumping at every loud sound, or losing themselves in flashbacks. Some of these folks will never be the same again. These sacrifices are the norm... this is what it means to be a soldier. And we at home owe a great debt of gratitude for that. I am SO very grateful for the sacrifices that have been made by the men and women who wear the uniform of our country's armed services. I am posting a picture of my favorite veteran.... though I am grateful for every single one!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- day 10

Today I am on a high. It is a high I get every Sunday, and it comes from meeting with like-minded people and sharing time and eating a meal together. It comes from hearing an uplifting message and tuning in to the Spirit inside.
Today I voice my gratefulness for my church home.... and my church family! I love going to church. I love bringing my children to spend time with these folks and I know that they are safe. I know that we are cared for. More than I even could have imagined. It was proven to me in a way that could never be doubted in August. My husband Dave cut his arm in August. He cut through nerves, tendons, and even an artery. The cut required surgery to repair and the prognosis for his hand does not include full recovery. For a family whose sole support is the income that Dave brings into our house, this caused a bit of a scare. How the heck would we support ourselves. Well the Sunday after Dave's surgery I went to church... and I was greeted by concern from every member of our congregation. But more than that I was met with an envelope of cash that was handed to me that had been donated by our congregation in a collection that was taken up before I got there. How could my heart do anything but SOAR when this loving care is evidenced so entirely to me by their actions.
I have seen friends get my children plates of food, cut the food that is on their plates, and hold chairs to ensure that my little climber didn't kill herself. My girls ask me all week long if it is "Church Day" yet... and on the way home today Ashlynn said " I wish we could have church twice a week." A six year old who wants to be there twice a week: Why? Simply put, it is the love that flows so freely from one person to another there. We live in the flow of Spirit and we share it joyously.
I am so grateful to have the community that this church offers to me. I look forward to seeing these people every single week. I love to share a love for Spirit and the great works that come from a concentrated faith of like minded people. I am so blessed to have been drawn to this place... my spiritual home. I am so happy when I am there... and I am buoyed by that happiness through the week. I started my Etsy store and this blog when I have ducked my head for years because of the courage that I have gained through this church... and the belonging that I feel when I am there. I have learned that in order for me to grow I have to stretch Body, Mind, and Spirit.... and that sometimes spiritual stretching can mean jumping into that unknown and letting Spirit catch you. So I jumped... and we will watch how it grows... and I will live in the flow of Spirit... and I will learn great things by doing so..... and I have a whole community of people to thank for that!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 9

Where would I be without friends..... They make life so much better. Whether it is laughing about old memories or laughing as we make NEW memories.... friends make life so much better. I am lucky because I can call most of my family friends. In this world of dysfunctional families that isn't something a lot of people can do. But there is also something to be said for friends who are NOT actually blood.. people who you invite into your life by CHOICE because you love having them there.
I am not a good friend for a lot of people. It isn't that I don't WANT to be. I have really good intentions. But more it is that I have parts of my personality that get in the WAY of me being a really good friend for most people. I have anxiety in large groups and it pulls me into myself. It takes a lot of energy for me to be social... energy that I don't have a lot of the time. This anxiety and energy issue even relates to family gatherings. This is something even my oldest younger brother, who is extroverted, does not understand. He gets frustrated with me at times. But it is just SO much easier for me to visit with a people one or two at a time. So Facebook and social networks tend to be my "friend" outlet. And most of the people who are my friends on there never have to deal with me. There are a few people however, who ARE actively a part of my life... and they deal with the long periods of time when I do not socialize... those people are able to pick up friendship again like we never had a distance or a time. They also know that chatting on Facebook or an e-mail that is shared is cherished communication... and we stay in touch that way when we can't see each other.
I could name every one by name.... THAT is how FEW my real life friends are. Some I haven't seen for a year.... but when we do see each other it like there was no time and space between visits. And there is little reason for me to list these friends by name ( and who wants the pressure of perhaps forgetting one) because they KNOW who they are. They know that I love them... they know that when we are together I am eager to plan another visit. They also know that life gets busy and I get forgetful and time passes. I am blessed by friends who remember to invite ME rather than wait for me to invite... because I don't often remember and I am usually a little worried about imposing. I am blessed by people who brush my worry aside and invite my family.... because they know that as the mom of young children I am rarely able to get away without the kids. I am so blessed to have friends who when we do get together we don't dwell on how long it has been... but instead how much fun we can have RIGHT then. I am so grateful for those people.
I have a lot of people who I owe an apology to... because they have tried to be my friend.... but don't perhaps understand the weirdness that is me. They don't understand that as an introvert I don't really need to do big festivals or parties. They don't fully understand that in some ways I might even lack the skills to be able to meet a person halfway. It is always sad to see a friendship end... and I have had what could be close friends slip into that space of being in the outer space of acquaintance, because of my own personality quirks. I wish I came with a warning label, because I fear sometimes that it has caused hurt for others.
 It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my own personality and to recognize that it is okay.... and before I tried really hard to FORCE it, but who wants to be continually exhausted by trying to be someone she isn't? This is why I am so very grateful for the few friends I have... the people who understand and accept this hermit nature of mine.... who are there when I poke my head out of my hobbit hole and say... AWESOME your out Want to go for a walk... How about some sledding? I can count my close friends ( who aren't married to me or connected by blood) on ONE HAND, and that is NOT an exaggeration. I NEED it to be that way, and I am so very grateful to those who have stuck by me. I love you!!!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day Eight

It gets hard to decide which thankful I want to count as you get out into it... Should I do... this or that?... Will people read into which order I put it? I hope not. There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for... order is insignificant in the grand scheme of it all. In all honesty though I am an amazingly blessed woman! I have so many blessings to count.
Today though I am going to count my brothers.... because man what would my life be without them. Shawn is 2.5 years younger than I am... and Brenden is 8.5 years younger than I am. So while they haven't been there my ENTIRE life... pretty close. My first memory that I can absolutely pinpoint a date to.... is the day that my Dad and I picked out a little ducky toy to bring to Shawn on the day that he was born. From that point forward he was an active part of my life. And while as a child I didn't always count that as a blessing... as an adult I most certainly do.
Shawn was a mix of worst enemy best friend. In our childhood we could often be at war with each other... and then ten seconds later be thick as thieves. He shot me with a B.B. gun ... I shot him with an arrow... neither of us even try to pretend it was by accident any more. It might surprise you then to know that I once pulled a bully off of him with threats of beating the bully's ass myself... and that Shawn has gone to bat for me more times than I think I could count. There have been times in our lives where we had the same or at least a very similar circle of friends... and there have been times where I couldn't say that I KNOW but a few of his friends. When he was in Iraq and I was pregnant with Ashlynn. He called me nearly EVERY DAY! I am not kidding... I spoke with him several times a week without fail. I e-mailed him photos of our life and his daughter and her life nearly as frequently. Whether I was taking care of him while he was away.... or he was taking care of me through a difficult pregnancy where I was bedridden after having lost three babes.... who knows. We could say it was either, the fact is that I was so caught up in making sure HE had what HE needed that I wasn't as able to worry as I could have been. And when he got home my whole world brightened. He is my hero. I am so proud of him, and so grateful to be his sister.
Brenden and I have had a very different sort of relationship. Brenden is much younger... and I started babysitting for him before he was a full year old. I remember him as a baby and as a toddler. I remember tickling him and loving his laugh and smile when he was unable to walk. I remember his curls and his sweetness when he was the age of my children now. I know the sweetness and vulnerability of the child that he was.... and the amazing man that his IS. When we were younger I watched him during winter break, spring break, and summer break. But watching him is a misnomer... because we were constant companions, it was hardly a "babysitting job." Instead it was walks to the library where he would pick out TONS of books and then going home to read them all... sometimes in one sitting. It was walking to get ice cream, going to ride go-carts, hiking in the park. It was a whole lot more than just watching him. It was a friendship... it just happened to be between brother and sister... babysitter and kid. That friendship has continued into adulthood. It is rockier now... a great deal in part to the fact that I have had trouble transitioning to his being adult.... and because when he went through his teen rebellion.... well he rebelled against me more than he did my mom and dad. Weird but true.
Still when I went to the doctor's office for our last visit and found out that Rowan was gone.... it was my brother that had gone with me.... it was my brother who held me as I sobbed. It was Brenden who cried with me as he realized that my baby was gone.... and how it hurt me. When I have to go for a bit and my furry babies need cared for... it is my brother who I turn to. Not because he is the most convenient.... but because I know beyond a shadow of any doubt that he is the ONLY person on this earth who loves my Abby as much as I do.... and YES I mean ONLY! I know that he would do anything for my dogs. I know that he understands some of the glitches that a rescue dog has.
Brenden's heart is so pure and so amazing. His love for animals goes so deep as to be who he is. This man who for Christmas many years ago got me a new sweater... because he recognized that I always have ONE sweater... and that it is extremely important to me... that it becomes a part of me... and that I had lost my most recent one. It is this attention to detail that has him knowing things about the people he loves well enough to make sure they get the perfect gift. Brenden is one of my best friends... he is every thing a sister could ever ask for in a brother. I am so proud of the man he has become.... I cherish the memories of the sweet boy that he was. I love everything about this man.... and I call him brother with a great deal of pride. I am so very blessed to be his sister.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving-Day Seven

When counting the blessings in my life that I am grateful for.... it can be tough to determine order..... because I have SO many. Truth is that counting them person by person could manage to fill thirty days by itself. I would be HIGHLY remiss were I not to count some people though. Perhaps it is that I have a family that is so close... or maybe it is just that my family is filled with AWESOME people... but I have such an amazing number of people who are pure blessing just in my family. And that doesn't even count my church family... who I love so much.
Today though I am going to tell you about two people I am so VERY VERY  VERY grateful for.... my parents. My momma and my daddy are two of my favorite people in the entire world. I am so blessed by the parents that I have that I can hardly start to talk about it. My mom and dad have always put family first... and that has not stopped once their kids were grown and grandkids started. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without my parents. I don't even want to try it actually.
My parents firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. They are actively instrumental in the raising of my children. Often when we cannot afford boots or shoes my parents step in. This Friday my parents are taking my youngest for some Grandma and Grandpa alone time.... this will give me the amazing ability to have my oldest child all by herself. It is some of the best time spent on Earth.... time one on one with your child. Last month they took Ash while I took Taryn. We switch off like that and it makes everyone's day. The kids don't stop talking about it until the next time it happens.... and there is something new to report. What an amazing opportunity they offer to me by doing this. I know that Taryn will probably come home with new Shoes.... Ashlynn did last time. And there will be a small gift for Ashlynn because there always is.
My mother is my best girlfriend in the world. She is there for me without fail. She still is as protective of me as she was when I was little. We try to steal off for some Mommy/daughter time together every now and then. It is less frequent than it was before children came.... but more needed now. She and I love to spend hours at the fabric store. It was she that taught me how to knit... and she is teaching me  how to sew now. She has a life that is more busy than you can imagine. As a nurse for her day job, she also has taken on the role of minister for our church... and spends hours and hours working without pay for the church. She loves doing it though and is excited to watch as our church family grows.
I am always awed by my mother's generosity. She loves to give to the people that she loves.... whether it is her time, gifts that she has made or purchased, food, you name it she gives. She is always looking for an opportunity to share with those she loves. She taught me what it means to be a mother.... because she ALWAYS thinks of her kids first. She is truly the image of what a mother should be. I love her more than I can even express.... I have always known this. I have always known the love of my mother.... I have never in a million years doubted it. However it was not until I held my infant daughter that it hit me..... HOW MUCH she loves me. This woman would gladly give her life for me... for my children, for my husband. She loves us so completely.
My father is harder to peg. He is more private about his feelings. When you give him a gift his response is nearly always the same " huh.... thanks.... this is really cool." Only a few times have I ever seen a response that was more effusive than that. Once was when we kids got him tickets to see The Moody Blues.... But there are signs there. When I got him an eric clapton box set.... he got up right then and there to put on one of the CDs even though it was Christmas morning and he turned off the Christmas Carols for that. But that is how you have to read my dad.... if you are looking for huge displays of emotion... you are looking for it in the wrong person. It is the little things. when I was 17 I bought a car... it was a true beater with a heater... and one day my dad needed to borrow my car. He drove me to work and dropped me off. When he came to pick me up he had put all new tires on my car. He had noticed that the tires were bald... and he couldn't let it stand. THIS is how he says I love you.
A few weeks ago Daddy lost his brother. Since that day he has been actively looking for the hugs and saying "I love you" It is important for him right now to get those words out... to let it be known to his kids, his wife, his grandkids. We all knew it though. This is a man who had my grandmother make a Santa outfit so that he could be Santa for the kids in his life. He plays Santa at Gramps and Grans every year. He grows his beard and hair out so that he looks like Santa starting in the Fall of every year. He is THRILLED when kids poke their mommy and say " I think that's him" He has the biggest smile when there are kids nearby... and even though he pretends to hate cats they love him. My dad is one of the coolest people I have ever met.
I know every one thinks they have the best parents ever..... but I truly do. I love my mom and dad more than I could express in words. In fact it is moments like this... when I am trying to let you all know how much I love my parents, that words seem like useless tools. Still I am working hard to try to convey that love. I am so very grateful for my parents. I will be for the rest of my life. My parents have taught me the meaning of family... they have helped me to be able to create the family that I so longed for.... and they are helping me to raise my family. I couldn't say thank you enough to them if I said it every day all day. Still I have to try.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day Six

On this day I speak my gratitude of my best friend and partner. My husband Dave, the father of all of my children, and the person who stands beside me and behind me and covers my back. I am so grateful for this man... this partner. We "met" on a blind date... and have been together since. What we didn't know when we agreed to that date was that we had known each other as children. Dave and I as we look back on our life have had flybys and near misses our entire life. It makes a person wonder about fate or destiny. We met as children several times as he lived across the street from my best friend. We met as young adults as he is the cousin of my best friend's step brother and Dave lived with his cousin at a point. We met over and over and were just on the fringe of each other's worlds. When a mutual friend Ingrid suggested a blind date I figured what the Hell.... it couldn't hurt. When he called he asked me what I thought of the idea and I said " Well best case scenario I have a new friend and that is Awesome. Worst case scenario I don't like you at all and give you a fake number." He thought that was clever and still talks about it( though I was actually just being honest.) I suggested meeting in a place where I knew that I would have friends and introduced him immediately to my friends just in case he was a creep. We hit it off though... and that night before I left he asked me if he could kiss me.... that made an impression. I said yes and the rest is history.
Our relationship isn't perfect. We are working on it every day. Dave isn't perfect either..... though his willingness to work on our relationship makes him perfect for me. He loves me... this man. When we lost Aislynn he gave me his winter coat in January.... I couldn't leave the house without it. Even though he had a 1/2 mile walk from parking to his work he did it WITHOUT his winter coat because he left that coat with me. After Aidan I couldn't leave the house alone.... that man made sure I didn't have to. He or my mother was with me every time. When I was pregnant with Ashlynn and Taryn I was on modified bedrest. It was tough.... but we got through it. We have gotten through a lot.... together.
Dave has an ability to make me laugh in nearly every circumstance. He takes my serious and lightens it up. He makes every thing fun.... When we first lived together we would race up the stairs to our apartment.... he cheated every time. Because I was faster. When the kids have me at the end of my tether he makes it all a game.... and the job gets done. If he can't have some fun... it isn't worth doing. He NEVER worries. That drives me NUTS... because I worry a LOT. In the 12.5 years we have been a couple though...he has rubbed off on me and helped me to see how useless my worrying can be. He has helped to loosen me up some. I have helped to ground him a bit.
Life is never perfect.... but one thing that can help a great deal is being rich in love. With this man and the family we have made together I am never poor. Never! I am surrounded by love.... and the blessings that come with love. I am so grateful that he has similar priorities and that he works with me as a partner. I love him.... and I could never doubt that he loves me. He would lay his life down for me and his children. He still makes my heart go faster.... and he has been my safe place through many struggles. He supports me as I start this new venture of selling my wares... he loves me... he supports me.... he struggles next to me. Nothing in this world is perfect..... but this thing that we have is worth working on.... and he agrees with me. And I am so grateful for that. <3

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving- Day 5

Today I am going to tell you about a couple of young men.... who I cannot call my own, but that I love like my own. When I married Dave I was lucky enough to gain a family. Codie was 6 when Dave and I started dating and Keagan was VERY young. He was only 8 months old. I didn't meet them until a year after we had been dating.... so I was introduced to a 7 year old ( who wanted his dad and mom back together) and an 18 month old little boy who wanted nothing more than to snuggle.
Life was easier for Keagan and I. We clicked immediately and he became the best buddy I have ever had in the world. I rocked him to sleep and snuggled him. I picked him up and dusted his pants when he fell, I held him when he cried and we became fast friends. This kid owned my heart... from the beginning! He called me Lissa... with a lisp that sounded like Wissa.... and he held my hand and walked with me everywhere. This kid was a child of my heart from the second he put his hand in mine. He was curious and generous, he was active and amazing! Following him kept me on my toes... and watching him experience new things made them new for me again. I came up with fun things to do just so I could watch him doing it. I loved watching him grow and learn.
Keagan has grown up to be an amazing young man. We watched him playing football this season and we were so proud of him as he helped to bring his team to a championship. Meanwhile he kept good grades. When he comes over to our house he is amazing with his sisters and having him here makes us all feel whole! Keagan is a young man I am so very very grateful is in my life. I love this kid so  much. The love for him changed my life.
Codie and I had a much harder go of it. Some days we seemed like we were on the same page, and some days it was trench warfare. There was no rhyme or reason for it that I could tell. Sometimes he would come over and we would have SO much fun. Sometimes from the minute he came over he wanted to hate me. But there is a sweetness in Codie, a sincerity that touches your heart because it leaves him vulnerable. On my birthday one time when his dad kissed me after singing "happy birthday" and said " I love you." to me Codie said snidely " Yeah you used to say that to MY MOM too!" it left us all a little bit awkward... but that same kid less than a year later on Mother's Day got together with his Dad and said that they needed to plan something for Mother's Day for me, "because she is going to be our stepmother!" ( Dave and I were engaged at the time.) Our life together was filled with those kinds of conflicting emotions. He was confused as to how he should behave with me, how he should feel for me... so many things at war inside of him. And we only were ever able to see what he SHOWED us. My heart bled for the kid. It still does bleed for that child in him that never seemed to be able to figure out WHAT he should do with me. love me hate me.... and maybe somehow it was BOTH of those things in a jumble inside. Still he had found a person in me that was honest..... and he often came to me with questions and knew he would get answers to the best of my ability.
Codie STILL has that wonderful sincerity.... and it mixes with ( a self proclaimed) darkness. Codie still has that vulnerability that he tries so hard to hide. He has a sweetness in him.... that he almost seems to reject. He still has that jumble of emotions that leave him confused at times. He still is one of the sweetest people I have ever met! He reminds me of his father in that way. He is amazing with his sisters. He is 18 and that is a hard age to be. It is filled with conflicting messages... and emotions. The world yells " You are a GROWN UP!" When you look for help and screams " GROW UP" when you make mistakes. It is a topsy turvy world and you feel all alone in it. The hormones and emotions make you feel like your world is about to be pulled apart... and 1/2 the people in your life either forget what it was like to be that age or they figure that it is trial by fire... and a coming of age ritual. It still isn't an easy life for him right now.... and I still don't know exactly how to help him.
Being a step parent is a precarious position. I have the position of parent in my home.... but I am NOT... I cannot take the place of their mother... EVER. And I wouldn't want to. Having my own children has firmed up that protectiveness that would have me scratching out someone's eyes if they thought they could take MY children from me. So a step parent has to balance being a parent but not being a parent all while hopefully maintaining a friendship with the children... and the actual parent. It only took me a couple of visits with those sweet boys to know that I wanted to be as perfect a stepmom as I could manage. They deserve that. I am standing here today to say that I have screwed it up in numerous ways on many occasions. One thing I will say with absolute certainty though, is that I am for these boys in my life. I am  blessed by our Codeman and our Keaganator. I have two little boys, two young men... two AMAZING men... who while not born of my body hold a place dear in my heart and are counted among my children. And I am so very grateful for them both!

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day 4

Day four and I am so very very thankful for my Taryn-bo-Baryn. Let me just say that I am doing this in age order.... because I love all my children so very much. So much so.... that I have to do an individual page for each one. How could ONE post sort out the blessings that all my children offer? It can't. So you get to read a post per child. This one is Taryn and she is larger than life.
Taryn came into this world her way. She was (By Docs certainty and ultrasounds galore) 35 weeks 4 days. Which made her a preemie. They tried to stop my labor because they wanted her to cook a little longer. But Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, had other ideas. She was NOT going to be held back and after 24 hours of attempting to stop the labor.... the docs went with it. She came into this world already learning how to assert her will.... and she never has stopped yet. Because Taryn was born by C-section the hospital policy is that the babe sleeps in the nursery the first night and then can room in every night after that at mother's discretion. It was different for us. Why? Because Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, would not stop screaming unless she was held by me. In order to NOT fall asleep in the hospital bed with her in my arms, my first night walking the floor with Taryn was her first on earth. The nursery wouldn't keep her because... she was disturbing all of the other newborns... you know the ones who spent the first couple of weeks of their lives sleeping. The next night my nurse, realizing that I must be exhausted as I hadn't slept since having a C-section 36 hours ago, agreed to come in and check on us every 15 minutes and Taryn slept in the bed with me.
It was easier (for me) when Taryn came home.... because we co-sleep and she was a very happy baby... with me. But Taryn, who always knows exactly what she wants, did NOT want to be held by others. In fact we have endless pictures of the child screaming ( she never cried without screaming). My poor mother after being deafened one night decided it might be best if we waited for her to babysit until Taryn was older. My own husband was white knuckled and ready to blow when I tried a mommy's night out when she was a couple of months old. I nursed and she wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with a bottle.... EVER. And this was just when she was a NEWBORN. She has a way about her.
Taryn.... well she is strong minded... and I work HARD to foster that. Though I don't think she would let me do anything other than that. She is opinionated and she is driven and determined. When she wants it she WILL get her way. With everyone in the world except... her sissy. Her sister who she loves so much that she often will give way. With her sister who she shows so much generosity that it makes my heart sing. As she has gotten older she has added people to her favorites... it isn't just ME any more. Her Daddy and her Granny and her Gramps are some of her top people... and if you are one of her top people then you know. You know that her hugs and kisses are magic. She packs them with so much love and affection that I truly believe they can heal a heart. And she is so generous with those hugs and kisses. Taryn is one of the most loving individuals that I have ever met. I am such a lucky mommy... because she could and would sit and hug and kiss me all day long. I feel so fortunate to have this little huggy bear as my daughter.
Taryn is an artist.. no seriously she is... before she was 2 she was drawing cartoon characters from shows.... and we KNEW what she was drawing. That has only continued as she has gotten older. She loves art. She would draw all day. She loves to color and has been the child that has decorated my walls, my furniture, my garbage can.... she says that she " Hates white" and I have to watch her carefully because when she sees white.... she attempts to change its status. She loves pretty. She wants to do my hair and my nails and my make-up all the time. She told me this summer that she would no longer be wearing pants when we go places.... she will only wear skirts or dresses. Well as the weather is getting colder I have had to put my foot down... which has made her do the same.... which gets interesting. Her temper hasn't gotten smaller... but with her vocabulary getting better we have a better chance of coming to terms with things without temper tantrums. Still she talks loud and figures she should always get her way. Taryn is the poster child for why spanking doesn't work. I have had to come to terms with the fact that were I to be a parent who spanked I would have to entirely break my child because she would see it as a battle of wills. As I am NOT willing to do that.... I have to employ other tactics. Like Ashlynn, Taryn makes me a better person. She makes me want to be perfect. She makes me see where I need to work on it. My life is so much better for the children. I am so fortunate to spend my life with these amazing angels.
My Taryn keeps it colorful and exciting. She loves so deeply that it astounds me. She is sensitive to those she loves and WANTS to be helpful. She is my Soo-soo ( from her favorite book) she is my Tee-Tah... she is my heart. She is her sister's best friend... and her daddy's little snuggler. She is proud to be just like her "Nancy-grandma" She is my Sunshine... the light of my life. She shines that light as readily as she shares her thunderstorms. I see her face... and I know love all through my body. My sweet little teeter totter girl.
Taryn which is a combination of Tara ( which is the hill that the ancient rulers of Ireland ruled from)

 and Erin the name of the island.... and was the name that was chosen for Aidan should he have been a girl... Anne  of which Nancy is a diminutive ( so she IS named for her Nancy-grandma) meaning grace or favored by god. Put together they mean a ruler of our heritage with grace or that is favored by God...... and WOW does she live up to THAT name.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day Three

So on Day three let me tell you about one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Her name is Ashlynn Ka-Bashlynn and she is my world. She is the quirkiest, sweetest, most generous person I know. She is a remarkable problem solver who can look at a situation and fix it in her brain. She spends her days making a better mouse trap ( it actually worked), reading books ( she can read entire books with some help), and doing math because " it's fun." I am so very very thankful that I get to spend my time with this child. She brightens up a room with her smile and chatter... and make my life infinitely better because she is in it. Ashlynn can talk like nobody's business... in fact as I am typing this she is showing me how by taking apart a toy she is making a duck call and wants to go outside to see if it works. THIS is the beauty of my Ashlynn child.
Ashlynn has this sense of style that has had me shaking my head since she was two and started to have opinions about what to wear. I have tried to foster that ability to offer and trust her opinion, so even when I thought that things were a little crazy I have let her go... this has turned out to sometimes mean that I have gone out into the word with a girl in dress and sneakers or a princess dress. And I love it that unique ability to put things together that cause a question mark in my head and wear them with PRIDE and ATTITUDE enough to make it all work.
Her goofiness knows no bounds. She is nutty and zany and fun. She is friendly to everyone she sees... and often a trip to a park will have her telling me about a new friend, because as she has told me " strangers are just an opportunity to make new friends." This has her telling me STILL about the girl that she met two years ago at Playland..... she remembers her to this day and has only met the girl once. She has waitresses that remember her and cashiers that ask after her if she isn't with me. She draws pictures for people she hardly knows and offers them to make a day brighter for them.
She has such a way of looking at things. And when she explains it all... it makes sense. A couple of weeks ago I was grumbling because our funds are limited and I didn't want to have to spend what little we had one something or another and my little girl looks up at me and says " But that is what money is for mommy, to spend. It doesn't have any other purpose." And well.... huh... yup she is right. And that way of looking at things has me marveling all the time. She is so close to the Spirit and in her innocence has answers in ways I have forgotten to look.
I was afraid after Aislynn and Aidan that I would never be able to have a child. So when I held Ashlynn for the first time I was sure that all my dreams had been answered.... I didn't realize that all my dreams had just STARTED. I had been so focused on having a baby... that I didn't know what to do once I had. But Ashlynn  showed me quickly that every day is a new adventure, one that she is excited to meet. She helps me to be excited. She helps me to see the newness of the day and to celebrate it. I love her more than earth and air... I don't know what I would do without her..... but if you have ever met her you know that my life would be a lot quieter without her.
Ashlynn ( which is the anglicized version of her sister Aislynn's name) means "Dream or Vision" and her middle name Aoibheann means " Radiant beauty" ... and so aptly fit for her.  A dream or vision of Radiant beauty.... yes yes I believe that is the most fitting name she could have received.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving - Day Two

For Day two of my Thirty Days of Thanksgiving... I am going to speak my gratefulness for Aidan Garrett Haynie. Aidan is my second child born live, and my only son. Aidan lived with us a very short time. His date of birth was his only day here on earth. Aidan was tiny and very very early, because of that it was made very clear by the doctors that he was too early to try to save. We knew when labor was unable to be stopped.... that we would not have him long. If at all.
Despite the odds ( doctors did not expect him to be born alive, and even warned me that he was so fragile the very act of being born could tear him apart) Aidan Garrett Haynie was born living and took breath. He was whole and perfect.... he was just very very small. The most miraculous thing about the life of Aidan Garrett.. is that he was held by someone who loved him for every single second of his life. That means a great deal to me as his mummy. He was HELD BY SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM.... for every single second of his life. There are not many who can say that. There are not many lives so filled with love. He snuggled into my chest and I held pure love for the short time that he was here.
Shortly after Aidan passed my mother had a dream. It was a dream where Aidan was thanking her for keeping him safe because during his transition from physical to angel he was vulnerable.... and in that vulnerable time we kept him safe and cared for him. As she told me this I knew the truth of it. I had been chosen to keep an angel safe as the angel was being born.... and I did that job well. I have never felt such love. It was as if the spirit of that child was too big for that body, and because of that filled the room. It was almost a physical presence: that love, that spirit. I am forever grateful for that opportunity to feel spirit so intensely.
Shortly after my baby passed my mother and I were talking and she told me that there would come a day when I would see my children (Aislynn and Aidan) as blessings. I was beside myself. HOW could she imagine that such a tragedy in my life could be a blessing. And yet. ... yes I have come to see my angels as blessings. So much so that often when people express their condolences I reply with " we have been so blessed." And we have. Yesterday I listed only 5 of the many many blessings that Aislynn has brought into my life, so if you will bear with me I would like to do so for Aidan. You see it was a fluke... an accident actually because my parents had brought my niece to the apple orchard that day, but there was a camera in the room.... and I have photos of me holding my baby. Not just ONE... but many photos of my sweet little boy. He was born at 21 weeks and most mommies with babies born at that age DO NOT have photos. I have his hand prints and his footprints and I have a blanket... but it is the photos that I go to the most. ( blessing one) Aidan Garrett showed me how intense a connection with Spirit can be. He hosted a spirit for a few short moments and filled a room with so much love I cannot forget the feeling of holding him. ( blessing two) Aidan offered me an opportunity to fulfill a greater purpose than I had ever imagined possible when I kept a spirit protected and safe as he was born into angel form. ( Blessing Three) Born alive and whole ( against the odds) he was able to be transferred into my arms and held his whole life with love and comfort.  ( blessing four) There are more. So many many more blessings that surrounded his birth. He offered me infinite opportunities to learn and grow, for which I am so very very grateful.
This little man was not a tragedy, though it may have felt that way at the start. No this little man existed for a reason... and I helped him through a transition. I am grateful that I had that opportunity and that I was able to share those blessed moments while he was on earth with him. I am so thankful for my little boy.