September

They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.... I kind of feel that way about the month of September. I would say January too because that is when Aislynn passed... but somehow January doesn't hit me as hard... I am not sure why.
Today September 18th is my son Aidan's birthday. He would be 9. It is also the day that he passed... 9 years ago. I held him for a very short time on this earth. And it will never ever seem to be enough. Last Saturday I was crying on the phone with my mom as the dread of this day pressed on me. As I felt my breathing constrict already in preparation for this day. Last year my Gran passed on the 15th.,... of September. It didn't take any of us by surprise she had brain cancer... she was on hospice. The anniversary of her funeral is the 20th... Last year was a tough one. Only hours after crying on the phone with my mom... I got another call from her... My mother's sister was in the hospital and there wasn't long. My  mom left in a hurry to be by her sister's bed. Aunt PJ is still hanging on... home now with Hospice... but I suspect there is going to be another reason for September to be hard before too much longer.
Oddly October also has a loss that is remembered... many many many months do... but September seems bigger somehow... maybe it is the weather change... maybe it is something deeper I don't know. It isn't like September doesn't have the days to celebrate... My Father's birthday... both of my Father-in-Laws' birtdays... two of my sister in laws birthdays. Many many friends birthdays. These are days to celebrate... days to be grateful for the people who are in my life. Still somehow September is melancholy ... still some how I brace for September and I feel like the other shoe is about to fall.
This year I had great plans... I was going to keep busy. I tried so hard... but friends were busy... So my husband took the day off... but his boss said " EH we need you buddy"... and our bank account said "HMM not such a great idea there". So we tried a different way... we decided to have him come home early... and I was going to keep busy by doing the Friday bank and grocery run... but... he needed the card that has our funds on it... so... I have nothing to do that with. So... we were going to decorate a tree at church... only it is rainy and stormy... and my youngest has a cold with a fever. ... ... ...  Kind of feeling STALLED. I tried so hard to fill today.. to be busy... because I don't want to sit around just feeling... because feeling can turn to wallowing.. and I don't want to do that. Still... every attempt to fill today has been thwarted... and here I sit...
Still maybe there is a reason I sit here. Last Sunday I gave a sermon on plans... on how they change... and today I found this photo graphic on facebook:

A reminder... that we all have our dark times... but if you use them correctly... they help you to grow. And even in the day that My son died there were things to celebrate... not the least of which was his life.... that I have photos... that he took breath... that I held him while he did take breath. So I will take the lessons from this... and I will find a way to make the darkness light in my life.
My little boy... is missed... dearly dearly missed. and always will be. And this day... I am sad... very very sad. Most likely always will be, but today I search for ways to celebrate that life... even with the tears... even with the sadness. Today... I let it go... the guilt of still being alive... the need to live. The feeling that I let people down by not being over all of this... the feeling of guilt for not LIVING the grief. So many things that can crowd in... and none of it is ME... not at the core. So today... I washed my little girls hair.. and brushed it... such a relaxing way to spend time... and we are preparing to go to an indoor parrot exhibit... it isn't what we planned.... but plans change... they have to in order to keep up with life... and sometimes failed plans can make for an amazing experience. So I am holding out for that. And if my eyes fill with tears... it is okay... and if my heart smiles because of Ashlynn and Taryn... then... that is okay too. Because sadness is a feeling that comes... but a feeling that also goes when happiness knocks on the door. And because being aware of what is me and what is coming from outside helps me to be present in the moment..... and being present in the moment is what allows me to make a connection with my son... who is simply a thought away and who is always with me.

Thank you DR. Wayne Dyer from reaching through the veil to offer me a little bit of insight. So we head to the Lorikeet exhibit with the INTENTION of celebrating his life.... and his Spirit... and with the knowledge that as I AM spirit... I am never separated from a little boy who lived for such a short time. I love his essence and as I reach to him with the light of LOVE... he is there.