October was set aside in 1988 by then President Ronald Reagan as Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and it is a much needed movement. I know there are people who wonder... WHY? WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH ABOUT THIS? I have heard that by continually bringing it up I am not allowing myself to heal. I have been told it is time to move on! I understand where these people are coming from. They are speaking from a place that believes that by talking about it endlessly I am continually tearing off the new scar and not allowing it to heal. For THEM it would be easier if I didn't speak about this. For THEM it would be nicer if I allowed the matter to rest. It won't change... those babies will NEVER come back. I know this..... I know it so well.... do you know WHY I know this? I know this because there were times when I took a shower so that I could cry with no one knowing.... I know this because my husband KNEW I was crying and would come in and hold me wet in the shower while the water filled our bathroom, mixed with out tears. I know this because I BEGGED AND PLEADED with God to bring them back to me. I know this because my husband never went out without his sunglasses for a time after those babies left because...... it would hit him hard when he saw a woman big with pregnancy... or a newborn baby. Believe me when I say... I KNOW those babies are NOT coming back... but...knowing it doesn't stop the hurting. It doesn't stop the moment on Christmas when the count is wrong..... there should be MORE smiling children. It doesn't stop the count down to birthdays for children who cannot celebrate them. NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT.
I talk about my babies... even when my voice wavers and the world gets watery from my tears.... I talk about them for several reasons. FIRST.... those babies are a part of my life... they are a part of my family. I cannot forget them. I will not forget them. I love them... even the babies that were only a couple weeks cooked before lost. I LOVE THEM> They have shaped ME today... they have helped to form the mother that I am... TODAY. I have photos of two... but... those photos and the memories are ALL I have. I do not have a series of birthday photos... I do not have Christmas pictures where the age progression happens. I do not have a chart on the wall to show how they have grown. I have nine photos of one... and about fifteen of the other... I have handprints and footprints... and I have cards that folks gave me to express their sorrow for me. I have even LESS for the littlest babies. I have a pair of booties for one that I bought two days before I started bleeding.... when I was still so innocent that I thought there was NOTHING in the world that could pop my bubble. So the memories.. the sharing... that is pretty much what I have... and what I can show the world. You know that moment when you held your baby out for someone to hold..... and you felt like you were offering the world to that person and your heart burst with pride.... yeah... THAT MOMENT... If I pull out my pictures for you.... then.... we are sharing THAT moment.
There is another reason I share though... you see.... I am nine years removed from that HEART WRENCHING SOUL STEALING pain... and I am NOT over exaggerating in any sense of the world. I have NEVER felt so gutted... I have never felt so raw. My truest fear.... is feeling that way again. My arms ACHED to hold her... my soul wanted to slip away to be with her... and I didn't think there was ever going to be a smile in me again. Yes... it was raw and it was awful and it makes me feel like sobbing just to think on it now. I am nine years removed and there are moments when a wave of grief steals my breath. And there are mommas and daddies out there who are JUST letting go... who are only starting on the road. There are people who are learning what it means to let go and people who are still trying to figure out how to do that. These people need a voice. They need someone who can stand and say PLEASE don't tell them they can have another baby. They need someone who can say NO you cannot make this better.... just sit with her.. just hold her. They need someone who can say DON'T IGNORE daddy... Mommy hurts so bad... but I GUARANTEE that he is setting his own grief to the side trying to help her. He doesn't think that she can bear to see how much HE hurts too. They need someone to say YES it is NORMAL for Dad to lose his job in the first year of grief... there are statistics on this..... NINETY PERCENT OF DADS DO!!!!! Why? your guess as good as mine... but... maybe it is because putting aside your grief the way daddies do... it can pop up OTHER ways health problems, attitude problems. Whatever the reason... there are people in this world who NEED an advocate... who NEED a voice. Who needs someone to say IT IS OKAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR BABY! For someone who will say... share your memories with me. What IS!! your baby's name? There are people who are just at the beginning of the most arduous journey I have walked in my life and they need a friend.
I talk about it... because if I CAN'T be the friend for that person... perhaps my words will help someone NEAR them to learn how to be a friend to this momma. It is OKAY... to not know what to do. NO ONE knows. But I will say that those first few years of being a bereaved mother were the most isolated I have ever been in my life. One friend who can reach through that veil of isolation can be a life line to a mommy who SO needs it. I talk a lot about my babies... and because of that friends who have friends who have lost babies have put me in touch with them.... I am amazingly blessed.... because I have been offered those stories... the memories... that precious armful that only a bereaved mommy FULLY understands. My hope is that through MY sharing... others will feel less afraid of sharing... and as that happens the world will open to those mommies and daddies who need support so very badly.
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