Where would I be without friends..... They make life so much better. Whether it is laughing about old memories or laughing as we make NEW memories.... friends make life so much better. I am lucky because I can call most of my family friends. In this world of dysfunctional families that isn't something a lot of people can do. But there is also something to be said for friends who are NOT actually blood.. people who you invite into your life by CHOICE because you love having them there.
I am not a good friend for a lot of people. It isn't that I don't WANT to be. I have really good intentions. But more it is that I have parts of my personality that get in the WAY of me being a really good friend for most people. I have anxiety in large groups and it pulls me into myself. It takes a lot of energy for me to be social... energy that I don't have a lot of the time. This anxiety and energy issue even relates to family gatherings. This is something even my oldest younger brother, who is extroverted, does not understand. He gets frustrated with me at times. But it is just SO much easier for me to visit with a people one or two at a time. So Facebook and social networks tend to be my "friend" outlet. And most of the people who are my friends on there never have to deal with me. There are a few people however, who ARE actively a part of my life... and they deal with the long periods of time when I do not socialize... those people are able to pick up friendship again like we never had a distance or a time. They also know that chatting on Facebook or an e-mail that is shared is cherished communication... and we stay in touch that way when we can't see each other.
I could name every one by name.... THAT is how FEW my real life friends are. Some I haven't seen for a year.... but when we do see each other it like there was no time and space between visits. And there is little reason for me to list these friends by name ( and who wants the pressure of perhaps forgetting one) because they KNOW who they are. They know that I love them... they know that when we are together I am eager to plan another visit. They also know that life gets busy and I get forgetful and time passes. I am blessed by friends who remember to invite ME rather than wait for me to invite... because I don't often remember and I am usually a little worried about imposing. I am blessed by people who brush my worry aside and invite my family.... because they know that as the mom of young children I am rarely able to get away without the kids. I am so blessed to have friends who when we do get together we don't dwell on how long it has been... but instead how much fun we can have RIGHT then. I am so grateful for those people.
I have a lot of people who I owe an apology to... because they have tried to be my friend.... but don't perhaps understand the weirdness that is me. They don't understand that as an introvert I don't really need to do big festivals or parties. They don't fully understand that in some ways I might even lack the skills to be able to meet a person halfway. It is always sad to see a friendship end... and I have had what could be close friends slip into that space of being in the outer space of acquaintance, because of my own personality quirks. I wish I came with a warning label, because I fear sometimes that it has caused hurt for others.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my own personality and to recognize that it is okay.... and before I tried really hard to FORCE it, but who wants to be continually exhausted by trying to be someone she isn't? This is why I am so very grateful for the few friends I have... the people who understand and accept this hermit nature of mine.... who are there when I poke my head out of my hobbit hole and say... AWESOME your out Want to go for a walk... How about some sledding? I can count my close friends ( who aren't married to me or connected by blood) on ONE HAND, and that is NOT an exaggeration. I NEED it to be that way, and I am so very grateful to those who have stuck by me. I love you!!!
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