Life was easier for Keagan and I. We clicked immediately and he became the best buddy I have ever had in the world. I rocked him to sleep and snuggled him. I picked him up and dusted his pants when he fell, I held him when he cried and we became fast friends. This kid owned my heart... from the beginning! He called me Lissa... with a lisp that sounded like Wissa.... and he held my hand and walked with me everywhere. This kid was a child of my heart from the second he put his hand in mine. He was curious and generous, he was active and amazing! Following him kept me on my toes... and watching him experience new things made them new for me again. I came up with fun things to do just so I could watch him doing it. I loved watching him grow and learn.
Keagan has grown up to be an amazing young man. We watched him playing football this season and we were so proud of him as he helped to bring his team to a championship. Meanwhile he kept good grades. When he comes over to our house he is amazing with his sisters and having him here makes us all feel whole! Keagan is a young man I am so very very grateful is in my life. I love this kid so much. The love for him changed my life.
Codie and I had a much harder go of it. Some days we seemed like we were on the same page, and some days it was trench warfare. There was no rhyme or reason for it that I could tell. Sometimes he would come over and we would have SO much fun. Sometimes from the minute he came over he wanted to hate me. But there is a sweetness in Codie, a sincerity that touches your heart because it leaves him vulnerable. On my birthday one time when his dad kissed me after singing "happy birthday" and said " I love you." to me Codie said snidely " Yeah you used to say that to MY MOM too!" it left us all a little bit awkward... but that same kid less than a year later on Mother's Day got together with his Dad and said that they needed to plan something for Mother's Day for me, "because she is going to be our stepmother!" ( Dave and I were engaged at the time.) Our life together was filled with those kinds of conflicting emotions. He was confused as to how he should behave with me, how he should feel for me... so many things at war inside of him. And we only were ever able to see what he SHOWED us. My heart bled for the kid. It still does bleed for that child in him that never seemed to be able to figure out WHAT he should do with me. love me hate me.... and maybe somehow it was BOTH of those things in a jumble inside. Still he had found a person in me that was honest..... and he often came to me with questions and knew he would get answers to the best of my ability.
Codie STILL has that wonderful sincerity.... and it mixes with ( a self proclaimed) darkness. Codie still has that vulnerability that he tries so hard to hide. He has a sweetness in him.... that he almost seems to reject. He still has that jumble of emotions that leave him confused at times. He still is one of the sweetest people I have ever met! He reminds me of his father in that way. He is amazing with his sisters. He is 18 and that is a hard age to be. It is filled with conflicting messages... and emotions. The world yells " You are a GROWN UP!" When you look for help and screams " GROW UP" when you make mistakes. It is a topsy turvy world and you feel all alone in it. The hormones and emotions make you feel like your world is about to be pulled apart... and 1/2 the people in your life either forget what it was like to be that age or they figure that it is trial by fire... and a coming of age ritual. It still isn't an easy life for him right now.... and I still don't know exactly how to help him.
Being a step parent is a precarious position. I have the position of parent in my home.... but I am NOT... I cannot take the place of their mother... EVER. And I wouldn't want to. Having my own children has firmed up that protectiveness that would have me scratching out someone's eyes if they thought they could take MY children from me. So a step parent has to balance being a parent but not being a parent all while hopefully maintaining a friendship with the children... and the actual parent. It only took me a couple of visits with those sweet boys to know that I wanted to be as perfect a stepmom as I could manage. They deserve that. I am standing here today to say that I have screwed it up in numerous ways on many occasions. One thing I will say with absolute certainty though, is that I am for these boys in my life. I am blessed by our Codeman and our Keaganator. I have two little boys, two young men... two AMAZING men... who while not born of my body hold a place dear in my heart and are counted among my children. And I am so very grateful for them both!
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